Kate... uncensored.

Flutter

This post spoke to me. So many times we feel in crisis, for one reason or another and often you wish the world would stop...

no title needed

I've been reading the rest of the posts I had saved on my old site. Moved some here.

I'm weird about picking and choosing. I guess some things I have to edit, others don't make sense without context, or I don't feel the need to revisit. Not sure anyone would want to cover this history, but I suppose I want everything I do want to keep in one place.
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On another note, the Other had a date tonight.

I care, and I fucking hate that I care.

I hope he had a nice time.

Alright, fine, I don't.

I hope it reminded him of how great I am.
I hope he missed me more than I already know he does.

Ugh, I'm feeling so stupid.

How much can I care?

I think a lot of us get caught up in our personal stories. We try, but our lives are so frenetic and we fail to see too far beyond ourselves. If we're lucky, we can keep up with the family, friends and other acquaintances we're keeping tabs on.

I consider myself informed. I watch and read news, from various sources. I talk to people and more importantly, listen to them.

I consider myself empathetic. But, as much as I try, I feel I can't muster enough emotion for all the world's disasters. I have always been a crier. I hear stories and I feel. I feel I can't feel anymore tragedy right now. Not unless, God forbid, it pertains to me personally.

I know hope this doesn't make me a bad person, I just think I need a break from the sadness and despair.

This is my first entry into Watercooler Wednesday.

Blogging against disablism

To read more about this event

While we all KNOW how wrong it is to discriminate against someone because of a disability, we know it happens everyday.

I'll admit, before meeting my husband, I was pretty ignorant to what life was like for people with disabilities. Yes, there are a great number of people who go out of their way to offer assistance & encouragement. But, I've seen just as many people who are cruel or rude.

We've had a few experiences that have hurt us. We try not to dwell on them. Well, he tries to get me not to. He's much more experienced at it, since he's lived with his disability for a lot longer than I have.

My eyes were really opened to this when he lost his job. When faced with a sighted person or a blind one, even when the blind one may have better skills, qualifications, experience, often the sighted person is chosen. It's not going out of the way to discriminate, it's ignorance at thinking a blind person needs more of the company's effort, money, time, energy, tools, care to do a task. He may, but to assume so is foolish and wrong.

For the most part, he can do anything a sighted person can do. He's even driven a car, though that was before my day - I'm not that crazy. He jokes he can do anything but fly a plane and buy a handgun.

I know sometimes, it's fear. I've seen it firsthand, my mother, upon meeting him for the second time, said "it's nice to see you again" and was terrified that she had offended him.

What frustrates me:

Servers at restaurants who ask me what he would like to order.

People who speak louder, as if that will make up for the lack of sight.

People who act as if I am a saint for marrying someone with a disability.

People who seem shocked when they hear my husband not only went to college, but to law school. Who are awestruck that he's been an attorney, became a teacher, runs a successful non-profit. I've even run across people who seem stunned that he works, period.

I like the people who ask questions out of curiosity, because educating someone is the only way to alleviate the fear. Not everyone will meet a blind person, but if their exposure is a positive one and they can take away something useful, great!

I'm sure this isn't the most inspiring post regarding disablism. I get outraged, but often lose my "shtem" (sorry another one of those made-up words my family uses) because I know, for the most part, people don't mean to be hurtful. There are times I have fought back against this, railed against the people who judge and those who enable hatred. Other times, I try to remember to support my husband and do as he does, quietly prove to those people how wrong they are.

He has spent his entire career helping people with disabilities, and especially those who've been discriminated against. He sees the worst of it, and still has faith that the world will improve. And when he isn't working, he volunteers his time. He takes individuals who become newly blind and gives them hope, encouragement, skills, an ally, a friend, a champion. He works with children, proving that you can do what you want, that your disability doesn't have to define you.

He is not broken. He is not handicapped. He is blind. Blind the way you may be tall, or blue eyed or brunette. It's a characteristic, but not a catch-all.

He is a man who constantly amazes me.

Scattered

I find it funny, and alternatively get annoyed, that this blog is so scattered. Some posts came over from my original blog, Infertile, not inferior. Others were on an interim blog, when I felt I no longer belonged in the infertility blog-world. Some were from a private unpublished journal. This being so, the posts are random. I've deleted a ton of things rather than bring them here. Even more could disappear as I notice them.

I was curious and decided to go looking at some of the blogs I used to frequent. Some were back up local people in Buffalo. Some were scrapbooking blogs. Others were my infertile friends, those whose reproductive abilities (or inabilities) I once followed as religiously as my own. Not surprising many disappeared. Became parents and busy, for the most part, I would hope.

While I seek out new people to read, new blogs to visit, I miss the camaraderie I had with some of those women. I felt like I truly belonged, which is a feeling I've never been very familiar with.

Happy New Year

Sorry to leave y'all hanging. It's been a hectic couple of weeks. My little sister got engaged Christmas eve. She's as happy as a clam. I'm very happy for them, I couldn't ask for a better brother-in-law to be.

My dad and Mark's mom were pretty much wrecks Christmas day. I felt bad that they were both in so much pain and so uncomfortable. We all know what that's like and it's no fun to be recuperating from surgery during the holidays.

Mark and I took the holidays hard. As he put it - Christmas was awful because the one gift we really wanted, we didn't have. Both of us couldn't seem to forget that Christmas meant the beginning of the third trimester. That it was supposed to be the big celebratory announcement with the extended families. That we wanted to write from Mark, Katie and Baby "X" on our Christmas cards.

New Years was okay, we went to a friend's house and celebrated with her, her husband and her three kids. I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I wasn't going to hope that 2006 was "our year". I wasn't going to hope that it would be the year we'd finally have a baby. That's too hard. I've done it now for too many years. It's too hard each new year's eve to admit that another year is gone and the dream of having a family is further and further from reality.
However, I did hope that 2006 is the year that so many of the people we know still struggling succeed.
I've been debating staying here lately. I don't feel I have much to offer the world. I certainly do feel inferior lately, and I'm not doing anything for anyone to be interested in.

I'm in a weird place, with everything in our life it seems. I'm trying to sort things out but it isn't easy. I'm depressed and worried a lot of the time about a lot of things. I'm trying my hardest to get through everything, but some days it really gets to me.

I'm trying to catch up on your blogs. It's been hard for me to read some of them, for my own petty reasons. To those of you who's cycles have stalled or failed - I'm so sorry. For those of you in limbo, like I am - hang in there. To those of you who have been blessed - I wish you nothing but the best - You are the proof that some people do come out the other side. Thank you.

Random remarks

First, a serious topic that deeply concerns me. "Fun" size Snickers are not so fun anymore. They have shrunk. Kids everywhere should feel cheated this Halloween.

This morning I saw "baby dust" on eBay. Yeah, I had the same reaction. However, it's been removed, so I could not find a link. Damn, I know you would have snapped it up immediately! If only I had learned of said dust years ago. Do you think the dust that collects on this computer screen will work?

Mark and I visited my dad's office at his new school. It's so nice to see someone finally getting what they want and deserve.

I miss Mellie. If you're around, just pop in to say hi!

My kid brother broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. I'm sad but I'm not. I hope someday he can find someone wonderful. Under all his shit and tough guy attitude, he has such a good heart.

I went to dinner with a pregnant person Tuesday night. Aren't you proud of me? Granted, she's not at the showing point, but I still was a teensy bit nervous. Kudos to her for being a sweet, sensitive and wonderful friend.

I'm frustrated with my work for RESOLVE. I'll have to finish this up with another post, but I need some motivation, or help, or something.

Mark shaved off his goatee. I was very happy and then very sad. He had one when we first met, but I convinced him to shave it a few months later. Before that, he had had one for 16+ years. His bare face was nice and he looked much younger. Sometime this spring he decided to grow it back. I first thought it might have been a phase, but then he explained his logic. He was going to let it grow until we had a healthy baby. So, as we planned our IVF, we joked that come March he'd be getting out the heavy duty razor blades. He came to me the other night with it gone. He later explained that it was making him sad, and he was worried that I was constantly reminded of what was not to be. It's amazing how something so simple can make you feel something so powerful.

Thank you for all your kind comments on the last post. I appreciate the camaraderie, the wisdom and the love you bring me. You have even given me the courage to approach other difficult topics.

Guilt

There's a lot of it swirling around the blogs I read and emails I get and my life in general right now. I believe that guilt and resentment are right up there with anger, jealousy, love and fear as some of the most primal feelings.

I was raised in a family where the term "guilt trip" had some serious meaning. My grandmother believed it was a tool crucial to helping children, of any age, develop. Maybe that's why I'm seeing so much of it lately. Only, it's not all mine.

This week, on separate occasions, two friends expressed these feelings. One said that my situation causes her to keep things about her life from me and that she feels guilty talking about her children. That she's somewhat resentful because of that. The other one had similar complaints. I instantly felt the need to apologize and beg forgiveness. I feel guilty for maybe not giving enough. I feel guilty for not asking about their children, letting them only say what they choose to tell me.

It's just easier. Sometimes, I'm afraid to ask because I never know what I might hear. I still don't even feel ready to hear about most children, even ones I feel close to. I was proud of myself for talking to my friend from Texas last week. She's 33 weeks and I would have been just a little bit ahead. She's sensitive and understanding, but I'm still fighting those resentful feelings a little while after talking to her. Yet, I feel bad if I don't ask about her nursery and her pregnancy, her showers and her health. It is conflicting, because I'm glad I know now, and other times I wish I hadn't asked.

I wish I could get rid of ALL the guilt I feel, and theirs, and yours. We feel as if we have to suppress "bad" feelings, but that only makes us feel worse in the long run. I know sometimes I'm too hard on myself and my friends, especially those that I believe don't or can't understand what I'm going through. To any of those friends reading this. I'll try to be better and contribute something more positive to our relationship. I can't promise to not feel even the tiny bit resentful, but I can try.

And I truly don't mean to make anyone guilty for what they have. I'm thrilled that you're pregnant, or that you have children. I don't begrudge anyone their family, their kids. I just wish I had it too. You can't give me yours, and you can't share, so I'll just ask you to pray that I someday find a better way to deal with the feelings my situation causes me.