Kate... uncensored.

Rain, rain, go away...

I'm sitting in the window here at the Grand Hyatt, watching the intersection; watching it rain. Rain leaves me pensive. I feel like brooding a bit.

I'm supposed to be heading to lunch. I'm debating blowing it off. To be honest, the last thing I feel like is telling a stranger all about me, and having them ask questions I don't feel like answering. Now, if I could get them to spill tabloid worthy details about their boss' recent scandal - perhaps it could be interesting.

I talked to the Other last week. I'd been distancing myself from him, but it's not fair for me to stop answering the phone without some explanation. So, I opened the phone and took a deep breath. Before, I thought if I could find a way to have him not affect me, I would jump on it. I thought I could avoid him, and have him leave my periphery. I can't and don't want to. I recognize the danger he holds, and I am aware of the damage he can cause. Isn't acknowledging that something? I won't jump from the frying pan into the fire. I've taken steps to ensure that. However, I don't think I should have to completely shut him out because of the temptation.

Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe.

Before, I ran. I had a friendship with a man, and it was becoming dangerous. We got along fantastically and thoroughly understood one another. We were able to support each other through some truly terrible things. But, I sensed the change when it happened, and I didn't want it to destroy our relationship, or our relationships with other people. I could have let things run their course, but I knew there was too much at stake. So I left. We went from daily contact to nothing. I knew he was suffering, I heard it in his voice when he'd call, begging to see me or talk to me. He showed up places, trying to track me down. But I made my point clear. I didn't think it was fair to stay in contact the way we were. I knew we would have ended up in some messy situation, jeopardizing the important things in our respective lives.

It may sound stupid, but I think it was one of the smartest and bravest things I've done.

I don't feel this is the case here.

I didn't set out to have a relationship. Compared to a lot of women, I've always been good at compartmentalizing, ones that were sexual didn't have to be anything more. I don't necessarily believe that sex = love. Perhaps I'm missing that chemical reaction, I don't know. Maybe I'm jaded, or broken. I know there's something there I've never found before. I know he has a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. A lot of the qualities I've only found once before. He's given me strength at a time I felt drained by most everyone else.

It's convoluted.

I try to distract myself, thinking about other men. Remembering that he's not the "be all and end all"

I remind myself of my obligations.

I talked to someone last week I know only a bit. We were discussing separation and marriage counseling / therapy. I was asked if I can remember good times. If the person I married is still the person I want to be with. If I met my husband now, would I fall in love and want to be with him. If I believed we could make our way through this and be stronger.

I was asked if I knew what I wanted. I'm beginning to know, I just have a hard time vocalizing it, especially to my husband.

And myself.

I caved

This needed a separate post.

I spent time with the Other this past weekend, but parts of the weekend were different. I think maybe too much has happened at home, or the time we were together in March affected. It could be that I'm perceiving something that isn't really there.

I was not the most pleasant woman to be around. Shocking? I know! Yes, I am usually a barrel of monkeys, but I was stressed and couldn't pretend nothing was on my mind. Still there were moments that were splendid, where I forgot about everything else. (Other moments where I lost my mind completely, but we won't go there)

I know I should feel bad about my behavior. I'm not proud of this, but I also can't deny he's helped me during the most tumultuous months of my life. I think regardless of what happens, he'll be around, in some way, shape or fashion. Does that sound naive? Cliched? Stupid? Maybe. Probably. Do I care? I don't think so.

I won't go on and on about how I feel about him. I'll just say that he fits into me.
(Wait, that sounded much dirtier than I intended)

You know how you meet those friends and instantly know they're supposed to play a role in your life? He fits like that.

Answers & confessions

My time in NY has given me a lot of time to think. I got the chance to run things by some friends. The one couple who even has an inkling of our marriage troubles. I also got the chance to spend some time with the Other. I know, I know. perhaps not the best use of my time. But, he listens to my rambling and doesn't feel the need to offer anything unless I ask him for another perspective. When I have broached the topic with those who know us, I often spend too much time defending my husband. That bothers me. I have come to the realization that I will be seen as wrong, as the bad guy. But, those people don't live my life, and I can't care about what people think.

It's different to be plotting and planning. I know I will break his heart, but if I don't leave my husband, I feel I may disappear completely. My heart and my self-respect are at stake if I continue on the road we're on.

I'll confess...I'm flawed. I've cheated. I've lied. I've tried to deal with an increasingly affection-less and sexless marriage and I didn't deal with it well, obviously. I've let myself become embroiled and entangled with a man who has only complicated things. I've made poor decisions out of guilt, obligation, and sympathy. I've let the fact that I don't like to rock the boat dictate what I do, ignoring my gut, my heart, my head.

I'm unsure and unsteady. No one close to me has gone through a divorce. I wonder if everyone worries the things I do. Will anyone ever love me again? Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Can I be single again?

When so many are out there, alone and lonely, wishing for a man who would love them, I feel selfish. He's a good guy. Loyal, kind, hardworking. He would spend forever by my side if I let him. He's not perfect, but who is? Even still, he says he loves me, unconditionally. It's strange to know I am giving that up and may never find it again.

Ok, onto questions, because I've already said the things I want to say and written down what I want to tell my husband. If I think about this anymore tonight, I certainly won't sleep.

What was your biggest dream as a little girl? (Flutter)
Wow. Tough. I wanted to be the first female president. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. I wanted to be a Broadway star. Really, most of all, I wanted to have everything, like we all do as kids. But as a little girl, a big part of me wanted to be a good mother and wife, just like my own mom.

If you could do one thing over in your life, what would it be? (Kristen)
I try not to have regrets. Yes, hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to think of what things you'd do different. We all fall victim to the "what-if's" from time to time. I think I would have to say medical school. I was enrolled but I came home to take care of my dad instead.

Why are you a whore? (Random person who emailed me)
While whore may be a term of endearment in the bedroom (for me) I choose who gets to use it. So let's leave it at "fuck you"

Besides, I have to say, I prefer the term "selectively slutty"

No clever title, sorry

I'm here in Buffalo. Arrived late on Wednesday.

I had plans to stay at a friends house when I got in. They were out of town, but they left a key. Or so they thought. Apparently both forgot, thinking the other spouse had done it. They tried calling their neighbor who has a spare, but didn't reach him. So, I find this out shortly outside Erie PA. Kind of late to be springing a visit on someone else. So that was a bit aggravating, but I made do and found a place.

I've taken care of my traffic ticket. I visited with my in laws, I took my brother to lunch. I've tried to call people I didn't get a chance to see before I left. I've been trying to stay busy.

But, I wasn't busy enough.

I wish things were cut and dry. Or maybe I should wish for guidance to make a good decision, not "a" decision, but a final one. Does everyone second guess themselves constantly like this? I feel conflicted and wonder if I can pick something and stick to it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't want more. Or that I loved my husband the way he loves me. Or that I could somehow completely turn off my sex drive and need for affection. Or that I could mix my husband in a bag with the Other and get the right combination of man.

Do I stay, knowing that maybe I won't ever be happy with the marriage we have?
Do I leave, and maybe never find anyone who loves me the way my husband does?

Yeah.

At least it's a gorgeous sunny afternoon here, I'm on a patio enjoying the breeze, the feeling of home and the thought of dinner with friends. Somehow maybe that will distract me for a little while...

Shuffle off to Buffalo

I've decided to leave Wednesday morning. I am gonna attempt to drive straight through to Western NY, but have places in mind I can crash with friends if I get too tired.

Court is Thursday evening, so if I do stay over somewhere Weds. night I'm still good time wise.

I'm a little nervous about doing it. I haven't driven that long of a distance by myself. I used to split trips from Buffalo to Denver, but I probably only did a third of the driving. My legs get jumpy so I'm sure I'll have to remind myself to get out and stretch, even if I don't need a bathroom or gasoline break. I feel a little nervous about it, and that aggravates me. Since last fall, I no longer feel ignorantly safe everywhere, and in my head, I worry that a woman driving alone is a target. I wish I had company but I'll survive. Besides, driving alone means I can sing at the top of my lungs as much as I want.

I have to pack things that somehow came down here and belong to one set of parents along with whatever I need myself while I'm there. I haven't exactly decided whom I'm staying with when, I guess I'm playing it by ear. No one knows I'm coming either, I'm not sure why, I guess I just don't feel like listening to objections about me driving from everyone. But I have a fall back plan in case no family can put me up.

Then there's the other matter. Ha, other. (Ok, yes, I know I'm not as funny as I am in my head.)
I don't think I'll call him when I'm there. I haven't told him I'll be home and I think I could effectively ignore him. However, everyone I know will be at work, and I know he has off certain days, so I have to find things to do to occupy my time. I don't know if I can resist the urge to see him.

Bad nights

I'm not a good sleeper. I often have nights where I toss and turn, my legs jump, I wake repeatedly, I can't fall asleep and so on.

Rarely do I have nightmares, but last night, yikes. So disturbingly bad you couldn't lay back down. I was in bed with my husband, but he wasn't much comfort as I woke up screaming. I woke the dog even, and he sleeps through most things.

I ended up getting up about quarter after four.
I think I fell asleep around nine reading. And now, I'm wide awake. Great.

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that depending on NY courts, I may be headed home for a few days tomorrow.

Those two tickets I got at Easter? Yeah, they are finally catching up with me. I got scheduled for one appearance on 6/19, and I'm trying to get the other court to work with me for sometime around then or for the first week in August when we have to go back for a wedding. Talked to a TN trooper today at a gas station, he said rental speedometers are often a little off, and that may help me with my issue. I think he was only friendly because I may have inadvertently flashed him as I fell out of my car.

I'm like a graceful gazelle I tell ya.

But back to the sleeplessness and such...
I haven't told anyone my plans, since they aren't firm, and I thought it would be fun to surprise my parents. Part of me wonders if I'll break down and tell the Other, since we talk occasionally, but I think I could avoid it, if I truly wanted to.

I'm hoping prosecutors and judges are nice and that these particular courts' traffic nights aren't too long. I'm really not the criminal type, I get flustered and nervous. I am a poky girl, I am not a speeder by nature.  How to convince them? Drive them somewhere? Don't think that will fly. But, parking tickets and court costs are better than numerous points on my license. Especially with my insurance already going up because of car changes. Gas is expensive, but a car seems pretty essential here where I am in middle Tennessee.

Well, I'm off to rummage for coffee. I need to go grocery shopping if I'm leaving or my husband will starve. Or just order whatever food he can get delivered for a week.

no title needed

I've been reading the rest of the posts I had saved on my old site. Moved some here.

I'm weird about picking and choosing. I guess some things I have to edit, others don't make sense without context, or I don't feel the need to revisit. Not sure anyone would want to cover this history, but I suppose I want everything I do want to keep in one place.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, the Other had a date tonight.

I care, and I fucking hate that I care.

I hope he had a nice time.

Alright, fine, I don't.

I hope it reminded him of how great I am.
I hope he missed me more than I already know he does.

Ugh, I'm feeling so stupid.

More insomnia

I find it amusing that when I was with the Other, I had no trouble sleeping.

I can attribute this to a number of factors. Change in sleep schedule, more comfortable bed, being sexually exhausted before I went to bed (oops, sorry, that just slipped out)

I had never spent the night with anyone other than my husband before him. I was a have fun & leave kinda girl. I had issues when I was younger, letting myself be vulnerable enough to actually sleep with someone. I didn't like sharing my bed. I usually didn't feel comfortable staying anywhere either.

I miss sleeping with him. The body heat he generated. The way he accepted me sleeping naked and didn't see it as a ploy or an insult. The way he woke up with me slowly and softly, making me coffee or pancakes.  I'd wake up at all hours to find him stroking my head, rubbing my back, watching me. And let me tell you, it was strange to be watched after not even being seen like that for so long. I miss how sleep could so easily turn into something playful. How we'd talk in bed in the dark before we fell asleep, or tease each other awake.

I miss sleeping with him, and I hate that.

Saying no

Rejection sucks.

I keep thinking of how he (the Other) turned down my advances while I was home in March. He called yesterday and we had a flirtatious conversation that turned into some pretty hot phone sex. I had been ignoring that part of our friendship for a while. Mostly because of weirdness on both our parts, but once I went back last month and was on his couch, in his bed, I wanted everything back the way it was.

I know he has issues regarding his previous relationship; I know he was concerned because of what has happened to me since I moved; To have him tell me he just wants to shut down the sexual part of himself, to kiss him and have him not respond felt horrible. We still held hands and touched each other affectionately and slept together, although neither of us in our usual nakedness. I was glad to be able to confront him and ask, but I was sorry I knew.

I left feeling okay, knowing if that phase is over, so be it. Yet, I know it was the best sex of my life. I know that this fierceness I want to call love is intoxicating and confusing. He says he's glad I've been away, that he's had the chance to really sort out how he's feeling. How he's come to terms with how things ended with his girlfriend. How he knows that I'm the only person who suits him both sexually and emotionally. I need to hear it, but is hearing it just torture? After him saying no to me, can I now say no to him?

Frustrated

Saw Nancy (my therapist) today. Divulged details about what's going on. Really told her about the Other. It was weird to talk about it out loud. She knew how I felt without me saying a word.

My husband booked me a ticket to New Orleans without consulting me. I know he wants me to go to help, and wants to see me, but this is the last weekend I have alone, and I wanted to spend it with the Other.

I haven't faced the reality of leaving yet. Of saying goodbye to someone I have grown so close to. Its frustrating to know that I love and care for each one and any decision I make will hurt me and them. So, do I choose to take the pain for my husband? I feel I owe him, meanwhile, I'm in pain. Will I cause any other pain by leaving? I don't know.

I have been delaying the inevitable; I believe by leaving I'm still continuing to do so. The only difference is, before I wasn't thinking about going, and now I have to but I wish I could stay.