Kate... uncensored.

Rain, rain, go away...

I'm sitting in the window here at the Grand Hyatt, watching the intersection; watching it rain. Rain leaves me pensive. I feel like brooding a bit.

I'm supposed to be heading to lunch. I'm debating blowing it off. To be honest, the last thing I feel like is telling a stranger all about me, and having them ask questions I don't feel like answering. Now, if I could get them to spill tabloid worthy details about their boss' recent scandal - perhaps it could be interesting.

I talked to the Other last week. I'd been distancing myself from him, but it's not fair for me to stop answering the phone without some explanation. So, I opened the phone and took a deep breath. Before, I thought if I could find a way to have him not affect me, I would jump on it. I thought I could avoid him, and have him leave my periphery. I can't and don't want to. I recognize the danger he holds, and I am aware of the damage he can cause. Isn't acknowledging that something? I won't jump from the frying pan into the fire. I've taken steps to ensure that. However, I don't think I should have to completely shut him out because of the temptation.

Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe.

Before, I ran. I had a friendship with a man, and it was becoming dangerous. We got along fantastically and thoroughly understood one another. We were able to support each other through some truly terrible things. But, I sensed the change when it happened, and I didn't want it to destroy our relationship, or our relationships with other people. I could have let things run their course, but I knew there was too much at stake. So I left. We went from daily contact to nothing. I knew he was suffering, I heard it in his voice when he'd call, begging to see me or talk to me. He showed up places, trying to track me down. But I made my point clear. I didn't think it was fair to stay in contact the way we were. I knew we would have ended up in some messy situation, jeopardizing the important things in our respective lives.

It may sound stupid, but I think it was one of the smartest and bravest things I've done.

I don't feel this is the case here.

I didn't set out to have a relationship. Compared to a lot of women, I've always been good at compartmentalizing, ones that were sexual didn't have to be anything more. I don't necessarily believe that sex = love. Perhaps I'm missing that chemical reaction, I don't know. Maybe I'm jaded, or broken. I know there's something there I've never found before. I know he has a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. A lot of the qualities I've only found once before. He's given me strength at a time I felt drained by most everyone else.

It's convoluted.

I try to distract myself, thinking about other men. Remembering that he's not the "be all and end all"

I remind myself of my obligations.

I talked to someone last week I know only a bit. We were discussing separation and marriage counseling / therapy. I was asked if I can remember good times. If the person I married is still the person I want to be with. If I met my husband now, would I fall in love and want to be with him. If I believed we could make our way through this and be stronger.

I was asked if I knew what I wanted. I'm beginning to know, I just have a hard time vocalizing it, especially to my husband.

And myself.

Random - DC version

Just finished - The Average American Male - Chad Kultgen. Interesting book, but not as amusing as I would have hoped. However, it does leave me wondering if my line of thinking is more male than female at times. Should this concern me?

This hotel is not conducive to prowling. Nevermind the fact that the hotel is mostly full of people with disabilities (ducking from criticism now) there is no good place to lurk. The staff won't let a girl just hang out with a drink in the sports bar, and with three bars to pick from, my pools of candidates are too spread out. On the bright side, the possibilities for entertainment are endless. Just outside the lobby doors is a throng of people smoking and 2 drunk men in wheelchairs are showing off their "stunts". I think others are trying for a conference fuck as well.

Supposed to be meeting husband and his former colleagues for lunch in swanky DC executive lounge tomorrow. I don't like being introduced as his wife right now. I feel phony for acting like our life/marriage is fine for the sake of others, even though I'm accustomed to doing so. 

Got the chance to rip into someone today regarding taking the guide dog somewhere. It's nice to have someone acknowledge that their company was wrong and actually seem genuine about it.

Hotel TV choices suck - not even 20 channels. The price of the room is high enough to warrant a few more, but at least I can watch Oceans Thirteen and dream about a George Clooney, Brad Pitt et al. gangbang. Oops, did I type that?

Gotta answer the door - room service has arrived.

I caved

This needed a separate post.

I spent time with the Other this past weekend, but parts of the weekend were different. I think maybe too much has happened at home, or the time we were together in March affected. It could be that I'm perceiving something that isn't really there.

I was not the most pleasant woman to be around. Shocking? I know! Yes, I am usually a barrel of monkeys, but I was stressed and couldn't pretend nothing was on my mind. Still there were moments that were splendid, where I forgot about everything else. (Other moments where I lost my mind completely, but we won't go there)

I know I should feel bad about my behavior. I'm not proud of this, but I also can't deny he's helped me during the most tumultuous months of my life. I think regardless of what happens, he'll be around, in some way, shape or fashion. Does that sound naive? Cliched? Stupid? Maybe. Probably. Do I care? I don't think so.

I won't go on and on about how I feel about him. I'll just say that he fits into me.
(Wait, that sounded much dirtier than I intended)

You know how you meet those friends and instantly know they're supposed to play a role in your life? He fits like that.

Answers & confessions

My time in NY has given me a lot of time to think. I got the chance to run things by some friends. The one couple who even has an inkling of our marriage troubles. I also got the chance to spend some time with the Other. I know, I know. perhaps not the best use of my time. But, he listens to my rambling and doesn't feel the need to offer anything unless I ask him for another perspective. When I have broached the topic with those who know us, I often spend too much time defending my husband. That bothers me. I have come to the realization that I will be seen as wrong, as the bad guy. But, those people don't live my life, and I can't care about what people think.

It's different to be plotting and planning. I know I will break his heart, but if I don't leave my husband, I feel I may disappear completely. My heart and my self-respect are at stake if I continue on the road we're on.

I'll confess...I'm flawed. I've cheated. I've lied. I've tried to deal with an increasingly affection-less and sexless marriage and I didn't deal with it well, obviously. I've let myself become embroiled and entangled with a man who has only complicated things. I've made poor decisions out of guilt, obligation, and sympathy. I've let the fact that I don't like to rock the boat dictate what I do, ignoring my gut, my heart, my head.

I'm unsure and unsteady. No one close to me has gone through a divorce. I wonder if everyone worries the things I do. Will anyone ever love me again? Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Can I be single again?

When so many are out there, alone and lonely, wishing for a man who would love them, I feel selfish. He's a good guy. Loyal, kind, hardworking. He would spend forever by my side if I let him. He's not perfect, but who is? Even still, he says he loves me, unconditionally. It's strange to know I am giving that up and may never find it again.

Ok, onto questions, because I've already said the things I want to say and written down what I want to tell my husband. If I think about this anymore tonight, I certainly won't sleep.

What was your biggest dream as a little girl? (Flutter)
Wow. Tough. I wanted to be the first female president. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. I wanted to be a Broadway star. Really, most of all, I wanted to have everything, like we all do as kids. But as a little girl, a big part of me wanted to be a good mother and wife, just like my own mom.

If you could do one thing over in your life, what would it be? (Kristen)
I try not to have regrets. Yes, hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to think of what things you'd do different. We all fall victim to the "what-if's" from time to time. I think I would have to say medical school. I was enrolled but I came home to take care of my dad instead.

Why are you a whore? (Random person who emailed me)
While whore may be a term of endearment in the bedroom (for me) I choose who gets to use it. So let's leave it at "fuck you"

Besides, I have to say, I prefer the term "selectively slutty"

No clever title, sorry

I'm here in Buffalo. Arrived late on Wednesday.

I had plans to stay at a friends house when I got in. They were out of town, but they left a key. Or so they thought. Apparently both forgot, thinking the other spouse had done it. They tried calling their neighbor who has a spare, but didn't reach him. So, I find this out shortly outside Erie PA. Kind of late to be springing a visit on someone else. So that was a bit aggravating, but I made do and found a place.

I've taken care of my traffic ticket. I visited with my in laws, I took my brother to lunch. I've tried to call people I didn't get a chance to see before I left. I've been trying to stay busy.

But, I wasn't busy enough.

I wish things were cut and dry. Or maybe I should wish for guidance to make a good decision, not "a" decision, but a final one. Does everyone second guess themselves constantly like this? I feel conflicted and wonder if I can pick something and stick to it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't want more. Or that I loved my husband the way he loves me. Or that I could somehow completely turn off my sex drive and need for affection. Or that I could mix my husband in a bag with the Other and get the right combination of man.

Do I stay, knowing that maybe I won't ever be happy with the marriage we have?
Do I leave, and maybe never find anyone who loves me the way my husband does?

Yeah.

At least it's a gorgeous sunny afternoon here, I'm on a patio enjoying the breeze, the feeling of home and the thought of dinner with friends. Somehow maybe that will distract me for a little while...

Bitching, cursing and porn... what good girls shouldn't do

I'm not sure if it's cyclical, or hormonal. Maybe it's just something I can only fight off for a certain period of time.

I am being a bitch. Not just the snarky sarcastic version of myself everyone has come to love and adore. The sex-crazed, over-emotional, insult-muttering uber-bitch.

Why? Because I'm holding it all in. The anger. The frustration, resentment, guilt, fear, disappointment. They all build.

Add to that the fact that I feel wasted. Not in the fun way, in the "I'm young, (I'd like to think) desirable, and sexual and I can't accept this" way

The resignation on his part galls me. At 41, he feels okay with being asexual.  Admittedly, his sexuality was never a huge part of his appeal personality. 

I would like to scream.  Or cry.

Mostly cry.

It's gotten to the point where I don't view him sexually. I'm not attracted to him sexually. It's hard for me to admit it, but it's a fact.

And I find myself resorting to bad behaviors. Porn is a deprived married woman's best friend. Okay... toys might be a deprived married woman's best friend, but do I have to only choose one? I think not. They often work best in conjunction.

I'm trying not to stray into dangerous territory, I'm being good about masturbatory frequency. I did not pounce on the cute guy who smiled at me in the freezer section. Or offer parking lot head to the man who carried my box outside the post office. Though the thoughts are crossing my mind.

(Side note - Southern gentlemen are one of things I've come to love about Nashville)

So, I curse, bitch and mutter. Fantasize and frustrate myself to no end. Wander the internet for porn that meets my standards, and stock up on batteries.

More insomnia

I find it amusing that when I was with the Other, I had no trouble sleeping.

I can attribute this to a number of factors. Change in sleep schedule, more comfortable bed, being sexually exhausted before I went to bed (oops, sorry, that just slipped out)

I had never spent the night with anyone other than my husband before him. I was a have fun & leave kinda girl. I had issues when I was younger, letting myself be vulnerable enough to actually sleep with someone. I didn't like sharing my bed. I usually didn't feel comfortable staying anywhere either.

I miss sleeping with him. The body heat he generated. The way he accepted me sleeping naked and didn't see it as a ploy or an insult. The way he woke up with me slowly and softly, making me coffee or pancakes.  I'd wake up at all hours to find him stroking my head, rubbing my back, watching me. And let me tell you, it was strange to be watched after not even being seen like that for so long. I miss how sleep could so easily turn into something playful. How we'd talk in bed in the dark before we fell asleep, or tease each other awake.

I miss sleeping with him, and I hate that.

Saying no

Rejection sucks.

I keep thinking of how he (the Other) turned down my advances while I was home in March. He called yesterday and we had a flirtatious conversation that turned into some pretty hot phone sex. I had been ignoring that part of our friendship for a while. Mostly because of weirdness on both our parts, but once I went back last month and was on his couch, in his bed, I wanted everything back the way it was.

I know he has issues regarding his previous relationship; I know he was concerned because of what has happened to me since I moved; To have him tell me he just wants to shut down the sexual part of himself, to kiss him and have him not respond felt horrible. We still held hands and touched each other affectionately and slept together, although neither of us in our usual nakedness. I was glad to be able to confront him and ask, but I was sorry I knew.

I left feeling okay, knowing if that phase is over, so be it. Yet, I know it was the best sex of my life. I know that this fierceness I want to call love is intoxicating and confusing. He says he's glad I've been away, that he's had the chance to really sort out how he's feeling. How he's come to terms with how things ended with his girlfriend. How he knows that I'm the only person who suits him both sexually and emotionally. I need to hear it, but is hearing it just torture? After him saying no to me, can I now say no to him?

Attempting

After months (okay, we're talking months the way parents of 2 year olds still say their kids are 24 months) of nothing, there was an attempt at sex with my husband.

My God, I hate to say it here even, but it was horrible. Awkward. Couldn't even get to a groping stage. I haven't even kissed him in so long, I couldn't without thinking how badly our relationship has gone. He was as inept as he was inexperienced in the beginning of our relationship. After about 10 minutes of slight touching and talking,  saying, (okay, lying) that it would be okay even if nothing happened, (which was the likely outcome) I said I couldn't do it and he didn't have to. I got off the bed and left the room to make dinner.

Now, I'll say that we'd written off the sexual part of our marriage a long time ago. I wasn't sure we'd ever re-visit the issue. If it weren't for the fact that I've been dying for it since getting back from NY, I probably would have stuck with my porn/masturbation/occasional phone sex habits.

I'm not sure why I tried, but I'm sorry I did. Opened up old wounds. After having such good sex with someone else, I think it was inevitable that I would think even less of sex with my husband.

Life is miserable

I'm fed up. I fixed the problem with the NYS tax people. I am trying to recitify the two speeding tickets I have obtained. I think Easter weekend must have been the NYS Troopers quota weekend. Both for 15 mph over within the course of three days. This is of course, hysterical to me since I am the slowpoke of the road. I have to wonder, was it the rental car? Was it the fact that I was and am completely distracted by my personal life and the upheaval surrounding it.

I thought a trip home would be a nice break. The Other and I spent some time together, but we're both wrapped up in our personal circumstances. And he decided to swear off sex, because all it did was complicate things. Of course. All I needed was someone to listen, but I couldn't talk. I was so preoccupied with the desire to be naked with him, and his distance made it impossible for me to open up.

It's been about 8 weeks now, and I'm torn. In love with the Other, trying to settle things with the Husband and wanting to let go and have a release. Not able to be with either physically, I'm worried my old ways will resurface. 

I'm tired of all the confusion. I'm wanted here, when I don't want to stay. But guilt and obligation and other circumstances are keeping me here. My friend Regal wants me to stay with him, but I have reservations about that. The Other offered me to stay, but he's so caught up with being heartbroken, he can't tell he's breaking mine. Plus, going back to NY has so many things associated with it. No one understands what's going on and judgment is being passed. I have no idea what I'd do there.