I held a gun for the first time the other day. Depending on how and
where you grew up, you may laugh, but I had not had the opportunity
until now.
I
then got to practice a few shots with a pellet gun. (Hey, you have to
start someplace.) I jumped about two feet the first time I shot, mostly
at the noise, but I didn't panic. My heart sped up, but it didn't
race. I felt more comfortable than I might have guessed. My aim
was better than I could have predicted, and I didn't feel too apprehensive.
But I've been very apprehensive about pulling another trigger.
In the past, I have usually been the more aggressive sexual partner, and mostly the more aggressive in personality as well. I will confess that I have a hard time being the aggressor in this new relationship. Traditionally, its been an issue of trust and control, and I don't always find myself with people who can be the aggressor, given their personalities and preferences. Those who have been, I haven't trusted enough to let them be.
I trust him implicitly, and have no problem letting him be in control. I don't feel the need to circumvent his advances with my own as I have with past partners.
I find myself resorting to subtleties, hinting and flirting and teasing, making playful comments and hoping kisses will spark something. I feel a little ridiculous, because I know men often don't recognize subtle hints. Hell, lots of men don't even recognize broad hints. And yet, I can't just slide a hand around the back of his neck, pull him to me and tell him I need to be fucked.
I think of ways to seduce him when he's gone or asleep and then chicken out. I get ready to just approach him boldly, and as I get close in actual physical distance, I lose words, and my body betrays me, backing off as I move to do it.
I don't think I was aware of how much the years of sexual rejection in my marriage affected me. Because I learned that even if you're interesting, fun to be around, fuck, even loved - that doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with being desired and wanted. I hate that I've lost confidence and that I'm somewhat insecure and neurotic about the whole thing.
I can't tell if he, like me, is hesitating, or if there's still so much outside influence playing in.
When you're having a sexual relationship outside the boundaries of a traditional one, it's easier. A "no" rarely happens, and when it does, it's often more due to circumstance and schedule than anything else. When you're with someone full time it's inevitable that they will not feel well, will be too tired, will just not be into it at some point. And while "no" isn't "never", until you've heard the first one, you're nervous. You may be so nervous that it's better to have them come to you than chance the rejection.
You hesitate, and decide not to pounce, because you'd rather be frustrated than rejected.
I have a feeling once I make the first move the first time I'll feel better. Of course there is the chance he says no, but hearing it will only mean no that time and will serve as another piece in the re-building, because certainly it's worse in my head than in real time.
I just need to pull the trigger.
*Note in response to Patricia's comment: I'm not just a fuck. He doesn't think it and neither do I. I already know I have his respect and his love, as he does mine. I'm not thinking my value lies in my ability to get him into a frenzy, but it would be nice to know I could.