Kate... uncensored.

update

Talking didn't go as badly as it could have, but not as well as I would have liked either. It was like a repeat of the therapy sessions we've been to. But, I tried and I said many of the things I haven't had the balls to tell him. Still, like so many couples, there are things we will just never "get".

I'm frightened and relieved; exhilarated and anxious. But I'm trying to do what I need to for me. Be it selfish, perhaps. I can say he may be happier in the long run without me, but that sounds like bullshit. I don't know that either choice is the right answer. I do know that I have to find out.

Side note: Craigslist is as entertaining in the job and apartment sections as it is in the personals. I'm intimidated by both hunts. With owning my own business, it's strange to think about having a boss. With apartments, I'm trying to decide where to look. Stay in Nashville or head back to Buffalo. There are pros and cons to each. I may just look for both things in both areas and see what happens.

Day after tomorrow

I'm told they'll be here Sunday morning, my mother, father, sister and her husband.

I still have no couch. I just unpacked the last of the boxes from the move. I didn't go get a haircut.

I wanted to convince them that we're wonderful okay. That the move was successful and that we're thriving in Nashville. To give them the impression that we're on top of things, loving our lives, relishing the new digs.

It all seemed too insincere.

Yeah, I am not perfect. There are dirty dishes in my sink, probably a towel on the floor in the bathroom. I still have paper reproducing itself all over my office. I don't have much in the terms of decor, I didn't go furniture shopping. It does look like we recently moved in. I'm the only one who sees it, and honestly, I probably don't care as much as I should.

It's easy when you talk every ten days or so, to make things sound good. We know, I'm good at that. Them spending the next week with us, well, that makes it harder to pretend.

Part of me wants to crawl into my parents arms and cry; to let go all the tumultuous emotions and collapse. I can't. They are here to visit, but they can't be burdened by my drama. My predicament is of my own making.

I sometimes think back, wondering how I got here. I never thought I'd be married, much less contemplating divorce. When I did get married, I thought by now we'd be a busy growing family. Much of what I hoped and envisioned my life to be hasn't turned out. I'm sure everybody thinks that, but I feel lost. I wanted to be a good wife and mother. When I couldn't be a mother, my aspirations towards perfect wife seemed to fade. I began to wonder if I was meant to be a wife, since I wasn't meant to be a mother.

I haven't replaced those hopes. I have no hope.

I was a perfectionist. Growing up, I was the perfect daughter, the genius student, the best friend. I did everything as I was told, until I chose a college 2000 miles away at 15. I still didn't change. Up until I got married, I had to be good at everything. Since then, I struggle to be good at anything.

I don't want them to see that I'm crumbling. I don't want them to know that my marriage has soured. I still want them to see me as their perfect daughter, even if I can't.

The wheels on the bus

The wheels on the bus go round and round, but the wheels on the AccessRide don't come here.

Don't know if the Metropolitan Transit Authority here in Nashville has any persons with disabilities on their board, but it's the first thing I wondered when I read this article.

Most people have a few transportation options when they travel to work. Sure, a lot depends on the distance. But walking, bicycling and driving are all out for my husband. Arranging to ride with someone is difficult when you know almost no one in town. Funny enough, many people don't think guide dog when they think carpooling.

Changing AccessRide should not be a way to reduce costs.

Gas is more expensive, and people are riding the bus. Is this the time to be cutting routes? In theory, with the rate hike and an increase in ridership, couldn't they somehow make up the difference?

And really, is it ever a good idea to limit access for those who cannot travel from their location or to their destination from a bus stop?

My husband now has to rely on a ride, he cannot get to work independently. For some people, this change means they aren't able to get to work, period.

The AccessRide service is not free, it is fee based. I realize they may need to increase costs, and that would prohibit some from taking the van service, but give riders the choice of paying more for their door-to-door ride before you discontinue it. For some people, it's their only option.

Argh Tennessee

Okay - there's a freeze on state travel. I can understand that. It's been in effect since last week Wednesday apparently.

However, canceling travel that's already been paid for seems to defeat the purpose.

My husband's organization is not state funded, and now they've lost the funds they budgeted and spent to register two people for the conference and to buy three airline tickets.

So, losing those couple hundred dollars makes financial sense?

Still up (I get wordy at this hour)

Yep, it's three in the morning, and I'm still awake.

And, for some god-forsaken reason, watching Next on MTV. Don't ask. I don't know. I feel about eighty years older than these kids on the show.

I'm questioning my actions and my behavior lately. The homesickness is rearing it's ugly head again. I'm missing my family, my friends, my old neighbors & neighborhood haunts, the other, even my therapist.

This life here in Nashville still seems so foreign. I've tried reaching out to make friends, but I haven't had too much success. While I've always done well charming acquaintances, it's harder to make friends. (I'm not saying life-long pour your heart out friends although I don't have one) I mean meet for coffee / lunch or hit amovie together friends.

My mother has always thought my expectations of friends is too high. I expect a friend to be the kind of friend I am. I feel like the best kind of friend when I'm helping you throw a party, or watching your kids, or bringing food when someone close to you passes away. But, this means I attract needy friends sometimes, because I need to be needed.   

And, it's hard for me to let people in. Most people know the 'glossy Kate'. The first man I love coined it because I'm good at glossing over. I hold it in, show the world the pretty picture, and only let it go with those I trust.

For example: Obvious one here, my marriage. No one would question the strength of our relationship, because I'm skilled at making it look good. Would our family and friends know we sleep in different beds or at different times? Would they guess we haven't had sex in years? Would they think the happiest time in our marriage was when we were in two different cities? Nope.

I've glossed over this, and infertility treatments, miscarriages, adoption heartbreak, cancer diagnosis, chemo, Roscoe's retirement. I'm always fine.

Perhaps sharing a little of what's beneath the glossy surface would help me in the quest for a friend. Then again, maybe I just need to wait for people who get me, like I had at home.

Random remarks

This idea of surprising my parents for their anniversary with a vacation is not necessarily a good one. My sister is pushy, my brother is apathetic, and I can think of many people I'd rather travel with.

Finally got the name of the hotel we're staying at in Orlando from husband's board member - since he booked the reservations. I hope we can do dinner somewhere nice, but I'm hesitant, apparently this board member is not very fond of my husband. I hope there isn't too much tension.

Of all the time I've spent away from home, I've never missed Mother's day. I feel bad that I won't be there this year.    I'm hoping the flowers she's getting at work tomorrow will be a nice surprise.

Mother's day isn't one of my favorite days. I made cards because going to look at cards makes me cry every year. The mother-to-be cards and those for a first mother's day are enough to send me into a crying jag. At least this year I'm saved the anguish of saying no to the maitre'd when we go to brunch and they ask if I'm a mother. I can hide out at home and watch lame TV or something, being as moody as I want to be.

I'm starting to think about what to do when my family arrives on the 24th. We haven't explored much since we've been in town, so it will be nice to get out more. I know my Dad wants to tour the Hermitage, my mother wants to try some interesting restaurants and my sister plans on trying to hunt down Tim McGraw. I have to see what I can come up with for them to do.

Traffic

Taking Mark to work this morning, his assistant didn't make it back from her vacation yet, and I got to experience my first rush hour trip into the city.

Wow, it's been too long since Denver, where I was mostly a passenger anyway. And at home, there's never any real traffic, with the exception of problems caused by accident.

(Funny too that here they call them wrecks)

I'm glad I don't have to drive him in everyday. When I decide what I'm going to do, I'm sure I'll consider a commute before accepting anything.

Comings and goings

Looks like my sister in law and her husband are coming to visit us this weekend. Ugh! I'd love to see them, but ahem, my place doesn't seem ready for company yet. I guess I have a lot of work to do in the next few days.

Also found out we're headed to Orlando for a few days in May. It's an in on Wednesday out on Friday deal, but I can get something done then while the husband is in meetings. I have to do some research to see what I can do/see in the short time I'm there. A board member of husband's organization is making the arrangements and traveling with us, so I don't know exactly how much time we'll have. Even still, I figure I can get in maybe a quick shopping trip, some time at the beach, or a nice dinner out. 

Thanksgiving

We're headed to my Aunt's. We won't do husband's family until Tomorrow, and it's nice to not have to rush, trying to drive from one end of WNY to the other. Or cook for that matter. We're not bringing Theodore, though everyone wants to meet him, I'm nervous, he hasn't been around a crowd off his harness. Plus, Kaden is transitioning from her braces to her wheelchair, and I don't want him to scare her, since they're about the same height. I'm glad I don't have to cook, I feel slightly sick, and I'm thinking of downing something after we get to my parents' house, because they'll drive from there to the Aunt's, and I won't have to.

We have all the stuff he needs packed. Dad and brother are leaving this weekend to bring him down to TN and get him settled. I can't go, I have a small procedure to have done on Monday.

I still can't believe he's going. We made arrangements to have him stay in a corporate hotel until January. He will come home Christmas week, and wants to go back after that and move into somewhere permanent.

I've been walking around pissed. I have been avoiding him, and he's been busy getting ready for the move to Tennessee, so it's been easy. There's so much chaos right now and tension regarding the move.

Other is in Michigan for his sister's wedding.  I will miss him this weekend.

When I get to see him, I feel a sense of relief. I get to be myself. I get to relax. I know I'm being partly delusional here, but we've bonded in a way I haven't bonded with another person in years. It's just comfortable when we're doing some things and incredibly intense when we're doing others.

It's rare, for me, to find someone who suits both my appetite and my intellect. Just like with the husband, it's always been one or the other, something suffers. There's people I'm drawn to, but I can't be more than friendly with them. I find them attractive, we have sexual chemistry, and that's it. That's okay, but not ideal. When I met the husband I cared about him, I felt we got along well, we became quick friends. The sex has always been an issue, even before everything came to light.

I never expected to find both with one person. Lousy time to do so.

He has a job

He took the job in Nashville. I don't even feel that we've really discussed it. He didn't really ask me, and I know we had a lot of other things going on this weekend, but really, calling and saying yes first thing Monday morning?

He had previously gotten an offer from the job in Providence, but it wouldn't start until January, so he had time to think about it.

He's desperate. He wants a job. He thinks this would be a great opportunity.

Hello?! You never consulted me. We're married, shouldn't I be a part of the decision making process?

Nashville is so far away. Nashville. When he spoke of looking for jobs, I didn't think he meant that far away. I wasn't sure he'd get it.

They want him ASAP. I haven't finished treatment, there's so much to be taken care of.