Kate... uncensored.

Rain, rain, go away...

I'm sitting in the window here at the Grand Hyatt, watching the intersection; watching it rain. Rain leaves me pensive. I feel like brooding a bit.

I'm supposed to be heading to lunch. I'm debating blowing it off. To be honest, the last thing I feel like is telling a stranger all about me, and having them ask questions I don't feel like answering. Now, if I could get them to spill tabloid worthy details about their boss' recent scandal - perhaps it could be interesting.

I talked to the Other last week. I'd been distancing myself from him, but it's not fair for me to stop answering the phone without some explanation. So, I opened the phone and took a deep breath. Before, I thought if I could find a way to have him not affect me, I would jump on it. I thought I could avoid him, and have him leave my periphery. I can't and don't want to. I recognize the danger he holds, and I am aware of the damage he can cause. Isn't acknowledging that something? I won't jump from the frying pan into the fire. I've taken steps to ensure that. However, I don't think I should have to completely shut him out because of the temptation.

Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe.

Before, I ran. I had a friendship with a man, and it was becoming dangerous. We got along fantastically and thoroughly understood one another. We were able to support each other through some truly terrible things. But, I sensed the change when it happened, and I didn't want it to destroy our relationship, or our relationships with other people. I could have let things run their course, but I knew there was too much at stake. So I left. We went from daily contact to nothing. I knew he was suffering, I heard it in his voice when he'd call, begging to see me or talk to me. He showed up places, trying to track me down. But I made my point clear. I didn't think it was fair to stay in contact the way we were. I knew we would have ended up in some messy situation, jeopardizing the important things in our respective lives.

It may sound stupid, but I think it was one of the smartest and bravest things I've done.

I don't feel this is the case here.

I didn't set out to have a relationship. Compared to a lot of women, I've always been good at compartmentalizing, ones that were sexual didn't have to be anything more. I don't necessarily believe that sex = love. Perhaps I'm missing that chemical reaction, I don't know. Maybe I'm jaded, or broken. I know there's something there I've never found before. I know he has a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. A lot of the qualities I've only found once before. He's given me strength at a time I felt drained by most everyone else.

It's convoluted.

I try to distract myself, thinking about other men. Remembering that he's not the "be all and end all"

I remind myself of my obligations.

I talked to someone last week I know only a bit. We were discussing separation and marriage counseling / therapy. I was asked if I can remember good times. If the person I married is still the person I want to be with. If I met my husband now, would I fall in love and want to be with him. If I believed we could make our way through this and be stronger.

I was asked if I knew what I wanted. I'm beginning to know, I just have a hard time vocalizing it, especially to my husband.

And myself.

Random - DC version

Just finished - The Average American Male - Chad Kultgen. Interesting book, but not as amusing as I would have hoped. However, it does leave me wondering if my line of thinking is more male than female at times. Should this concern me?

This hotel is not conducive to prowling. Nevermind the fact that the hotel is mostly full of people with disabilities (ducking from criticism now) there is no good place to lurk. The staff won't let a girl just hang out with a drink in the sports bar, and with three bars to pick from, my pools of candidates are too spread out. On the bright side, the possibilities for entertainment are endless. Just outside the lobby doors is a throng of people smoking and 2 drunk men in wheelchairs are showing off their "stunts". I think others are trying for a conference fuck as well.

Supposed to be meeting husband and his former colleagues for lunch in swanky DC executive lounge tomorrow. I don't like being introduced as his wife right now. I feel phony for acting like our life/marriage is fine for the sake of others, even though I'm accustomed to doing so. 

Got the chance to rip into someone today regarding taking the guide dog somewhere. It's nice to have someone acknowledge that their company was wrong and actually seem genuine about it.

Hotel TV choices suck - not even 20 channels. The price of the room is high enough to warrant a few more, but at least I can watch Oceans Thirteen and dream about a George Clooney, Brad Pitt et al. gangbang. Oops, did I type that?

Gotta answer the door - room service has arrived.

Weekend ends

Sunday is almost at an end. I'm grateful for the reprieve the workweek will bring. He's so hopeful, yet so unable to talk, to hear me. He's so busy blaming himself, I don't think he can see past his past.

We'll be traveling to Washington D.C. next Sunday. I don't know yet whether this is a good thing or not. Our last conference jaunt was fraught with tears and yelling. Both on my part, of course. It was not a fun trip.

It will be hard to be on my best behavior. There's just something about hotels. Strangers in strange cities, lobby bars, big beds. I could go on, but well, perhaps it's best left in my fantasy head. Plus, when I have to travel with him, I inevitably have too much time on my hands.

Awake at four in the morning

It's a weird time to be awake. Whenever I don't sleep, I find myself thinking too much. Shocking, I know.

It's hard to be married and lonely, but it's common. Perhaps we have all these unrealistic expectations when we get married. I tried not to have them, I honestly didn't think he'd be "the be all and end all". I knew that happily ever after is a nice idea, but that most people aren't able to have that. I recognized that it was unhealthy to expect this other person to be completely responsible for our happiness. It's unreasonable to think that because we love this person and choose to spend our life with them that we will never be lonely again. That we will always feel loved, safe and satisfied.

Side note: there are people who are married and lonely for much better reasons. Perhaps they never get the chance to spend time with their spouse because of work obligations, military duty, or something else along those lines. I feel for them.

My husband thinks we wouldn't be at the crossroad we're at if we hadn't moved here. I know we're both lonelier here, more isolated from the support system we grew to rely on. I also know this was inevitable, and think the difference is only in how it would play out.

I know he must be lonely. He won't talk to me. He prefers his privacy so much that it's hard for him to turn to his friends. He's had some for 20, even thirty years, but cannot fathom talking about his marriage with them. He tried to talk to one and it caused the fiasco last week. I can imagine this has only perpetuated the idea that he should keep things to himself. He doesn't talk to his family either, because they were raised to keep it all in. My running joke was that they sweep it all under the rug until you fucking trip over the bump it causes.

I see how he withdraws, pulls into his shell. How he shuts down, but I can't save him from himself. I try to get him to work with me. To either make this work or end it gracefully. Depending on my mood and his response, my preference for one of the other changes. 

I am not looking forward to this weekend. More time alone together cannot be a good thing, we still both seem so raw, so hurt.

Process and Progress

Every day that passes, I wish more things were decided.

Went to our marriage counselor on Wednesday. Not sure we'll be going back. She was late and a bit less professional than I'm used to.

Things were said that helped to illuminate the other person's side of the story. I bit my tongue, I waited for her to urge him to talk. Not so much, though it was made apparent that issues from his first marriage permeate ours.

Part of me thinks, if we do this, we may be better off with individual counselors first. Another part of me wants to simply find someone who will tell me it's ok to leave; Or who will tell him he'll survive without me.

A rambling update.

Tuesday, I left for New York. Had packed some things and decided this was a needed trip. To investigate what's in Buffalo, if I head back there. To decide finally, what's ahead of me. Tuesday night I got in and after a short chat with the friends I was staying with, I headed to bed.

Wednesday started off on a sour note. Friends' baby threw up on my outfit. So, I got re-dressed. I had a doctor's appointment and some blood work before my job interview. The doctor I saw was not my usual, and regarded my questions as unnecessary. After asking questions unrelated to my case, and me tearing up, I headed out of there with my paperwork for the labs. Hit the Quest laboratory in Amherst and ran across the most unprofessional phlebotomist I have ever had the chance to meet.

Next, the interview. Had to meet with four individuals, one of whom was a physician. He and I had a personality conflict from the get go. We were having a language barrier problem and it went downhill from there. It started when he told his assistant he would get me when he was ready for me. (Translation: if she waits for 30 mins while I play on my iPhone, so what?) Really, his attitude towards his current staff had the hair on my neck standing up. I did my best to seem polite and professional, but he was unimpressed with me at all turns, especially once he heard I took the MCAT and then didn't go to medical school.

So, interview over, I head back to friend's house. I then learn a friend of my husband's has called my parents about MY marriage. Livid does not begin to describe it. They were not aware I was even in town, because I wanted the chance to think without having to hear everyone's opinion. I had intended on calling them Thursday, once my apartment viewings, my appointments and my interview were over. He left a message, without his number and my mother called me to find out what he wanted. I did not answer my phone, I didn't hear it ring. I hear of this and call my husband to see why his friend felt the need to intervene. I then call friend and leave a message asking him to please cease and desist. Numerous phone calls, messages, curse words and tears later, I go to bed at 3:30.

While I should have spent my Thursday seeing apartments, networking for other interviews and thinking, I continued to have life altering conversations with my husband, and then his friend. Then, my parents call, before I have the chance to call them. Husband's friend called them back until he got them in person. They then called me. Fun, wow. So, Thursday turned into another useless day, full of phone calls and fumbling explanations.

I headed to their home Friday morning, so they could continue their attack in person. I was supposed to go straight home, they said. But I could not fathom spending my day in the car after the conversations with them and the Husband.

So I left Saturday, and hit traffic and accidents. Got in late Sat/Early Sunday. Woke up at 11 am only to have more talking start. Husband didn't let me go to bed until about midnight. I'm glad he's at work today, because I cannot handle anymore talking. I barely have any voice even.

Today I've been calling counselors. Interesting to note that I don't seem to find a lot in the area. The Western NY area probably has 10 times as many. I'm hoping to find someone who will see us this week because I'm not sure we'll make it much longer without collateral damage.

Random remarks, bordering on whining

Dad called tonight. Someone I graduated with gave the commencement speech tonight at my former high school's graduation ceremony. That was all I got from my father's message - I didn't feel like calling him back. Was peeved that no one asked me. Then I remembered - the business I recently sold wasn't like Google or something, and I'm much more important in my own mind. Blushing then, I decided to stop.

Looking for jobs and apartments in both areas sucks. I would like to be independently wealthy. I would totally put my money to good use, helping those I care about and those I don't know.  I'd want to do it quietly too. Hard to believe, thanks to the above statement, but I'm not all about self-promotion.

I don't understand my husband's ability to move from conversation to casual talking. I can have a touch of the dramatic in me. Shocking, I know. But, I feel going from "Leaving is up to you" to "Do we have fluff?" is just awkward.

Now I'm hungry - and there's nothing in the house. I desperately need to grocery shop. I miss going out to breakfast at home this late at the 24 hour diners; or hitting the bar/restaurant around the corner from my old place. There's not a lot of that near me, that I'm aware of. Plus, you didn't feel bad hitting the one place for food at 12 or 1 because you knew they were still open another 4 hours or so. Ah, Buffalo bar hours...

I laid in bed at 7 this evening, shortly after he got home because I thought that might help me avoid more talking. I've been talking in circles, and avoiding the one thing that's hardest to say. Instead I killed 3+ hours of my night. Aargh. I actually fell asleep too, which further fucks my already fucked up sleeping schedule.

Speaking of fuck, why did I give in last weekend? Yeah, I know why. Regardless, now I'm back to clawing the walls. Not helping the situation.

Trying to block those thoughts... will instead think about the dog's grooming appt. in the morning. Will think of maybe going to dinner by myself tomorrow while my husband attends some blind people night out thing. Yes, I know, I am a horrible person. What you don't know is that upon marrying someone blind, you have the right to snicker at these activities. It's in the "spouse of a blind person" handbook.

Which totally reminds me that my book will be titled "Love is blind... and so is my husband"

update

Talking didn't go as badly as it could have, but not as well as I would have liked either. It was like a repeat of the therapy sessions we've been to. But, I tried and I said many of the things I haven't had the balls to tell him. Still, like so many couples, there are things we will just never "get".

I'm frightened and relieved; exhilarated and anxious. But I'm trying to do what I need to for me. Be it selfish, perhaps. I can say he may be happier in the long run without me, but that sounds like bullshit. I don't know that either choice is the right answer. I do know that I have to find out.

Side note: Craigslist is as entertaining in the job and apartment sections as it is in the personals. I'm intimidated by both hunts. With owning my own business, it's strange to think about having a boss. With apartments, I'm trying to decide where to look. Stay in Nashville or head back to Buffalo. There are pros and cons to each. I may just look for both things in both areas and see what happens.

Answers & confessions

My time in NY has given me a lot of time to think. I got the chance to run things by some friends. The one couple who even has an inkling of our marriage troubles. I also got the chance to spend some time with the Other. I know, I know. perhaps not the best use of my time. But, he listens to my rambling and doesn't feel the need to offer anything unless I ask him for another perspective. When I have broached the topic with those who know us, I often spend too much time defending my husband. That bothers me. I have come to the realization that I will be seen as wrong, as the bad guy. But, those people don't live my life, and I can't care about what people think.

It's different to be plotting and planning. I know I will break his heart, but if I don't leave my husband, I feel I may disappear completely. My heart and my self-respect are at stake if I continue on the road we're on.

I'll confess...I'm flawed. I've cheated. I've lied. I've tried to deal with an increasingly affection-less and sexless marriage and I didn't deal with it well, obviously. I've let myself become embroiled and entangled with a man who has only complicated things. I've made poor decisions out of guilt, obligation, and sympathy. I've let the fact that I don't like to rock the boat dictate what I do, ignoring my gut, my heart, my head.

I'm unsure and unsteady. No one close to me has gone through a divorce. I wonder if everyone worries the things I do. Will anyone ever love me again? Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Can I be single again?

When so many are out there, alone and lonely, wishing for a man who would love them, I feel selfish. He's a good guy. Loyal, kind, hardworking. He would spend forever by my side if I let him. He's not perfect, but who is? Even still, he says he loves me, unconditionally. It's strange to know I am giving that up and may never find it again.

Ok, onto questions, because I've already said the things I want to say and written down what I want to tell my husband. If I think about this anymore tonight, I certainly won't sleep.

What was your biggest dream as a little girl? (Flutter)
Wow. Tough. I wanted to be the first female president. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. I wanted to be a Broadway star. Really, most of all, I wanted to have everything, like we all do as kids. But as a little girl, a big part of me wanted to be a good mother and wife, just like my own mom.

If you could do one thing over in your life, what would it be? (Kristen)
I try not to have regrets. Yes, hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to think of what things you'd do different. We all fall victim to the "what-if's" from time to time. I think I would have to say medical school. I was enrolled but I came home to take care of my dad instead.

Why are you a whore? (Random person who emailed me)
While whore may be a term of endearment in the bedroom (for me) I choose who gets to use it. So let's leave it at "fuck you"

Besides, I have to say, I prefer the term "selectively slutty"

No clever title, sorry

I'm here in Buffalo. Arrived late on Wednesday.

I had plans to stay at a friends house when I got in. They were out of town, but they left a key. Or so they thought. Apparently both forgot, thinking the other spouse had done it. They tried calling their neighbor who has a spare, but didn't reach him. So, I find this out shortly outside Erie PA. Kind of late to be springing a visit on someone else. So that was a bit aggravating, but I made do and found a place.

I've taken care of my traffic ticket. I visited with my in laws, I took my brother to lunch. I've tried to call people I didn't get a chance to see before I left. I've been trying to stay busy.

But, I wasn't busy enough.

I wish things were cut and dry. Or maybe I should wish for guidance to make a good decision, not "a" decision, but a final one. Does everyone second guess themselves constantly like this? I feel conflicted and wonder if I can pick something and stick to it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't want more. Or that I loved my husband the way he loves me. Or that I could somehow completely turn off my sex drive and need for affection. Or that I could mix my husband in a bag with the Other and get the right combination of man.

Do I stay, knowing that maybe I won't ever be happy with the marriage we have?
Do I leave, and maybe never find anyone who loves me the way my husband does?

Yeah.

At least it's a gorgeous sunny afternoon here, I'm on a patio enjoying the breeze, the feeling of home and the thought of dinner with friends. Somehow maybe that will distract me for a little while...