I remember meeting him just before school started. Late in the afternoon, as I sat behind a switchboard, he strode up to my desk and extended his hand. I rose out of my chair to find myself at chest height. He wanted to introduce himself knowing I'd be his "help" for the year.
Meeting while I was in school - obviously not the best situation. He is eleven years my senior. He worked for the school, so we both knew it was not to
be. Still, we were close. Closer than we should have been given the
circumstances. I helped him survive his first year in the education
world. He was
supportive of everything I was going through at home.
He became the
standard I measured all other men by, in some ways he probably still
is. He was kind and funny and charming; encouraging and affectionate and
loving. There was a sweet tenderness in the way he spoke to me. There was a melody to his walk. As long as I live, I'd recognize both the sound of his voice and the cadence of his steps.
We had a couple of moments over the years where "what if" was played.
What if we met differently, what if I was older, what if he waited, and
so on. He's now married with two children. Actually just this year he went back to
the school where we met. He had left shortly after I did.
The second last time I saw him was in the hospital after he had emergency surgery.
While still somewhat drugged he told me that he's always loved me and
wanted to be able to make a life for me. I dismissed it as the anesthetic talking. However, after that exchange his wife became very cold to me. (We
had been friendly before, having made our peace with our situations)
I can only guess that he said something to her about me
while hopped up on the meds. Because she'd be curt on the phone and
leave quickly if we ran into one another. I saw them briefly at my sister's high school graduation. They were invited to my
wedding but didn't come. He was still kind of dealing with medical
issues then and that was their excuse. I haven't talked to him since,
but he stays in close contact with my dad - who volunteers for that
school.
Sometimes I wonder, what would life have been like had we ended up together. I'm not sure it ever would have worked, since you can never know unless you try. Back then, I think he felt too responsible
to act on his feelings, knowing I was younger,
vulnerable, inexperienced. I know he thought he was "doing the right thing".
Sometimes, I wonder about a different future. If life brought us both to be single at the same time. He's probably the one person who could show up at my door and get me to leave with him, no questions asked. I'm aware how dramatic that sounds but no one before ever made me feel like that, and very few since. He
understood my thoughts before I could think them. He taught me so much.
He loved me before I ever learned to love myself - and it was only
because of him that I could do that.
His birthday is today - October 8th. (Actually I know two fantastic and gorgeous men born on this day. Coincidence? I think not)
I've thought of calling, just
to see how he really is. (Yes, I know what you're thinking) I think of him often. He was a huge part of my
life for almost a decade and then he wasn't. Since there's only a small chance I'll actually call, I'll just wish him a happy birthday from here, and pray his life is full of all the best things he could hope for.