The big Oh... no

(Written August 2007 - Previously unpublished)

I haven't been an angel.  I've slowly gone from talking to kissing to fooling around. 

Last night, I finally just decided to let go.

Enough of the stopping at an appropriate time.

Except after all this - it was terrible. 

After all this time denied at home, then the time denying myself in the hopes that what little I enjoyed would be enough. 

I chose based on a number of things.  I didn't want this to be someone I could have feelings for.  The FBI agent and I got too close.  When I almost gave in with the next guy, I realized just how strongly he cared for me.  I didn't want to attach too much to this experience, because I couldn't have known how I'd react.  I also didn't want to cross this line with someone I really liked, as asinine as that sounds, for fear I hated them for "talking me into" this.

But I chose poorly.  He was selfish and a somewhat disrespectful.  It was not even a little enjoyable. 

I didn't even orgasm, and really, if I am going to be unfaithful, shouldn't I at least get that?

Maybe this saves me from feeling guilty, in that case, maybe it's a good thing. Still it makes me wish I had given in to someone else prior, because after this, I don't know if I can do it again.