The other has another

I wasn't going to write this post. I am not going to let myself wallow or disintegrate into some mess of sobs.

I got an email the other morning. Titled "I'm a coward"

It's one of those moments where you don't want to know and at the same time, you just have to know. I walked away from the laptop. I sat back down and clicked it. I walked away before the page loaded. I finally just poured my coffee and sat down to read.

He's met someone. He couldn't bear to tell me in person apparently. I know he's been eager for a relationship, and I couldn't have expected him to wait forever. I know I have questions. I know that part of me wants to call him up & scream at him. Or show up on his doorstep crying, asking "why".

However, I'm trying to hold onto what little dignity I have left.

I didn't write back. He called later that evening to check on me, and see if I had received his email. I couldn't answer - because I wasn't alone, but it didn't matter because I couldn't bring myself to answer. I merely texted back to let him know I needed time to process the bomb he left in my lap.

I feel stupid for feeling devastated. Still, it's how I feel. Crushed. Heartbroken.

I still think he's someone who was supposed to be, is supposed to be in my life. He wants to stay friends (yes, I know, please, go ahead and laugh, I did)

I have been through this before with him. When I moved here to Nashville, we agreed to a neutral place for ourselves. Then he called after a week to let me know his ex girlfriend was back in the picture and she said he couldn't talk to me anymore. So he ceased contact for a week. Then she called to ask me all about the relationship we had to ascertain if he was telling the truth. It was a rough time for him and I while I was also having a tough time here with the husband.

I just keep reading this one text I saved on my phone from a couple months ago and replaying all our time together. I know he wants to move on with his life, date, have a girlfriend. I'm not there. I can't help but feel left behind and pissed and at the same time teary.