All the eating out, weird routine change meal wise has me feeling a little sick. My stomach needs to recover.
I was glad they visited, but having them here made me more homesick.
I feel bad that my parents and my sister came to blows just before they left. I am tired of playing mediator. Somehow I thought after 25 years with each other, they'd learn not to push each others buttons.
I want to go to the party my bank teller is going to tomorrow in honor of the Sex & the City movie. I don't even have anyone to go to the movies with.
I feel like I have a lot to say, but I am so fried from the last few days.
My car is officially dead. It tried to take me with it, I'm still shaking.
Wow, I hate whining, and yet, I am SO good at it.
Got here a few hours ago. Took them, sans husband, to Germantown Cafe for brunch. We then hit the grocery store so they could get some random things. They're showering / changing / napping and then we're off. To do what, I don't know, but I'm working on it.
Today, I would have been celebrating a little girl's 4th birthday. I think of the baby we named Mari Elizabeth all the time, think about how May 24th was my due date. My heart is not as broken as it once was, but it still hurts. I'm pretty sure it always will.
I can't go to the tree we planted in the park around the corner in her honor/name. But, I'll say a prayer and try not to cry.
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Side note: Ugh, enough with sadness and anger. I am getting aggravated with myself.
I'm told they'll be here Sunday morning, my mother, father, sister and her husband.
I still have no couch. I just unpacked the last of the boxes from the move. I didn't go get a haircut.
I wanted to convince them that we're wonderful okay. That the move was successful and that we're thriving in Nashville. To give them the impression that we're on top of things, loving our lives, relishing the new digs.
It all seemed too insincere.
Yeah, I am not perfect. There are dirty dishes in my sink, probably a towel on the floor in the bathroom. I still have paper reproducing itself all over my office. I don't have much in the terms of decor, I didn't go furniture shopping. It does look like we recently moved in. I'm the only one who sees it, and honestly, I probably don't care as much as I should.
It's easy when you talk every ten days or so, to make things sound good. We know, I'm good at that. Them spending the next week with us, well, that makes it harder to pretend.
Part of me wants to crawl into my parents arms and cry; to let go all the tumultuous emotions and collapse. I can't. They are here to visit, but they can't be burdened by my drama. My predicament is of my own making.
I sometimes think back, wondering how I got here. I never thought I'd be married, much less contemplating divorce. When I did get married, I thought by now we'd be a busy growing family. Much of what I hoped and envisioned my life to be hasn't turned out. I'm sure everybody thinks that, but I feel lost. I wanted to be a good wife and mother. When I couldn't be a mother, my aspirations towards perfect wife seemed to fade. I began to wonder if I was meant to be a wife, since I wasn't meant to be a mother.
I haven't replaced those hopes. I have no hope.
I was a perfectionist. Growing up, I was the perfect daughter, the genius student, the best friend. I did everything as I was told, until I chose a college 2000 miles away at 15. I still didn't change. Up until I got married, I had to be good at everything. Since then, I struggle to be good at anything.
I don't want them to see that I'm crumbling. I don't want them to know that my marriage has soured. I still want them to see me as their perfect daughter, even if I can't.
Okay, I realize "porn people" is not the technical name of their company. But, it sounds better than Sugar DVD.
There is a reason I subscribe to this Netflix of porn - type service. I can watch what they send & return it. On the off chance I find it outstanding*, I keep it longer, or buy it outright for a bargain. It keeps clutter down, I have no pesky naughty DVD collection to hide.
If it's terrible, I send it back quicker, not worrying that I wasted my purchase price.
I don't have to go to skeevy shops where men look at me the way a Doberman eyes a burglar.
I get bored. I don't want to see the same porn over and over. It can't be that good. I make a wishlist, I can read reviews, I am able to pause the service if I go on vacation (so the office, in getting the overflow of my mailbox, doesn't know my perverted habits), I've been very happy.
What makes you think giving me DVD's as a gift for being a loyal customer is what I want? A free month of service? Great. An upgrade for a month? Sure. Four random videos I'm sure will make me laugh, as opposed to other desired result? No thanks.
Oh, and the titles of these free movies... so bad they're funny. I wonder if I can title porn for a living. Probably not. Damn.
Now, I'm left wondering what to do with said DVD's. Turn them into some rockin' coasters? Donate them to a local library? Save them in my closet, for when I need an unexpected birthday or hostess gift?
* hasn't happened yet.
Wait...
I am like an orange.
I have a rough, thick skin.
If you manage to penetrate that, you'll find another, bitter layer
When you finally get to my insides
You never know if I'll be tart & acidic
Or sweet
Yes, I am way off my schedule and need more sleep.
