Bitching, cursing and porn... what good girls shouldn't do

I'm not sure if it's cyclical, or hormonal. Maybe it's just something I can only fight off for a certain period of time.

I am being a bitch. Not just the snarky sarcastic version of myself everyone has come to love and adore. The sex-crazed, over-emotional, insult-muttering uber-bitch.

Why? Because I'm holding it all in. The anger. The frustration, resentment, guilt, fear, disappointment. They all build.

Add to that the fact that I feel wasted. Not in the fun way, in the "I'm young, (I'd like to think) desirable, and sexual and I can't accept this" way

The resignation on his part galls me. At 41, he feels okay with being asexual.  Admittedly, his sexuality was never a huge part of his appeal personality. 

I would like to scream.  Or cry.

Mostly cry.

It's gotten to the point where I don't view him sexually. I'm not attracted to him sexually. It's hard for me to admit it, but it's a fact.

And I find myself resorting to bad behaviors. Porn is a deprived married woman's best friend. Okay... toys might be a deprived married woman's best friend, but do I have to only choose one? I think not. They often work best in conjunction.

I'm trying not to stray into dangerous territory, I'm being good about masturbatory frequency. I did not pounce on the cute guy who smiled at me in the freezer section. Or offer parking lot head to the man who carried my box outside the post office. Though the thoughts are crossing my mind.

(Side note - Southern gentlemen are one of things I've come to love about Nashville)

So, I curse, bitch and mutter. Fantasize and frustrate myself to no end. Wander the internet for porn that meets my standards, and stock up on batteries.

Comments

[chez beziat]

Sounds like the last thing Comcast needs is to have an outage in your area tonight. ;)

Seriously, I'm sorry to read about the rest of it. That is a rough kind of "wasted."

[heartbreaktown]

Hm, I haven't been reading your blog very long...I'm sure there's a reason why you're still in the marriage, right?

I should read more before I comment further.