Kate... uncensored.

Sulking

Well, I can tell you where I'm not tonight. Long story and I'm too pissy to type it right now. I bought these tickets as soon as they went on sale and they went to waste... Aargh!

Counting down

One day to Iron Fork

Three days until A&B arrive

Two weeks to Orlando

Four weeks until Mom & Dad's/Sister & Husband's joint road trip

Trying to look forward to something instead of living each day miserable. Depression is not easy, insomnia only exacerbates things. 

Comings and goings

Looks like my sister in law and her husband are coming to visit us this weekend. Ugh! I'd love to see them, but ahem, my place doesn't seem ready for company yet. I guess I have a lot of work to do in the next few days.

Also found out we're headed to Orlando for a few days in May. It's an in on Wednesday out on Friday deal, but I can get something done then while the husband is in meetings. I have to do some research to see what I can do/see in the short time I'm there. A board member of husband's organization is making the arrangements and traveling with us, so I don't know exactly how much time we'll have. Even still, I figure I can get in maybe a quick shopping trip, some time at the beach, or a nice dinner out. 

Flowers

My mother in law had surgery on Thursday. I know she's missing Mark and I feel bad that I can't help her out with her recovery, so I decided to send her flowers. I'm not a big sender, because as much as I think they're gorgeous, I hate paying the steep prices. I've been known to go to a flower wholesaler and make something beautiful without paying the high price of a florist. But, distance makes this difficult and so I outsourced. The website I had used was one I used in the past once or twice and been happy with. I placed an order for her and one for a bouquet for a friend of ours first mother's day.

My mother in law being the stubborn persuasive woman she is, convinced the docs to let her go Saturday instead of Monday. So, I called customer service, thinking I could get to them before the order went out. They were supposed to be delivered on Monday @ the hospital. I asked if we could re-route them to her home, just a few miles from the hospital.

I, of course, get the new person. She can't get the order number right even after repeating it a dozen time. She asks if an 'O' is a zero, after I specified O as in Oscar. After we finally get the order number, she is further perplexed and can't figure out how to help. She admits to me that her supervisor is nearby and this is only her first hour taking calls. Now, I'm all for training. But, when it's discovered that this is more than a routine order being placed, can't you send me to someone more experienced?

What should have been a 10 minute call, tops, took over an hour. Hopefully the orders will be right, because she kept asking about the other one (watch, my mother in law will get both)

Grr...

Terminal City

I've discovered this show on Sundance. They get it.

I find it moving. I think mostly because I still have so many unresolved feelings about being sick, my treatment, etc. I am a person who never seems to have a problem talking, sharing, emoting, etc.

I just couldn't. At the time, I was too busy protecting everyone, pretending I was fine and coping well. I thought if I shut down, it would give me more energy towards feeling better. My diagnosis, and everything that came after it came at what I considered an inopportune time.  I feared my sister would feel I was taking attention off her and her upcoming wedding. I knew my mother didn't deal well with it, so I tried to spare her as well. There is such a spiral of chaos around someone at the time, and it's interesting to see it played out among family characters. 

Plumgood Food

I had seen ads for Plumgood's grocery delivery service, did some research, and got my first delivery today.

I have always been wary of delivered groceries in the past. High delivery charges, bad subsititutions, etc. I have to say, I was pleased. I got everything I ordered. Only one thing had to be changed out, and it was simple - 2 pint containers of something I was supposed to get a quart of. Not bad. Everything stayed cool/cold, as needed and nothing was so heavy I couldn't carry the box or tote in myself.

For me, this might be a good idea. I don't think it will save me from a trip to the grocery store here and there, but that's okay. Some items were a little more expensive, but I'm not buying store brand and that makes a difference. I save money personally because there's no impulse buying here, I review my list before I checkout and I'm more likely to remove something I don't need than I am from a packed cart.

I will definitely be a return customer. Next time maybe I'll branch out and try something from their prepared categories. 

More insomnia

I find it amusing that when I was with the Other, I had no trouble sleeping.

I can attribute this to a number of factors. Change in sleep schedule, more comfortable bed, being sexually exhausted before I went to bed (oops, sorry, that just slipped out)

I had never spent the night with anyone other than my husband before him. I was a have fun & leave kinda girl. I had issues when I was younger, letting myself be vulnerable enough to actually sleep with someone. I didn't like sharing my bed. I usually didn't feel comfortable staying anywhere either.

I miss sleeping with him. The body heat he generated. The way he accepted me sleeping naked and didn't see it as a ploy or an insult. The way he woke up with me slowly and softly, making me coffee or pancakes.  I'd wake up at all hours to find him stroking my head, rubbing my back, watching me. And let me tell you, it was strange to be watched after not even being seen like that for so long. I miss how sleep could so easily turn into something playful. How we'd talk in bed in the dark before we fell asleep, or tease each other awake.

I miss sleeping with him, and I hate that.

April heat

I can't believe it's so warm already.

At home, it's not really this warm this soon, as a rule. I saw as a rule, because apparently, the first April I'm not there in years it's been around 80. Heat wave.

I hope I'm not dying of the heat all spring until my body adjusts.

Random remarks

I baked those Whole Wheat Apple muffins that have been doing around. I'm not a huge fan of apples, but these turned out pretty damn good. I decided to wrap some up and drop them off next door as part of a welcome basket for our new neighbors.

While April 22 is Earth Day, I always think of it as the day my mom quit smoking. I'm still proud of her. She had a health scare and made a deal with God (funny how we all start bargaining when we're scared) She's been smoke free since 1994. I also always remember this as the birthday of the boy I had the biggest crush on in high school. Funny how my mind remembers worthless facts like this.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a dork. While I'm not an American Idol watcher, I will have to watch tonight. I've always been a Broadway/show tunes junkie fan. I know I wore out a few cassette tapes (and my family's ears) with all those Andrew Lloyd Webber songs back in the day. I've been lucky enough to perform a number of shows in a number of venues, but some of those songs I'd still love to sing on a big stage.

Desperate housewife

Never been a huge fan (as in watch every week) but I've been known to DVR the show for late nights when I can't sleep.

I didn't know they were going to blind a character. There was a speech from his wife about how his blindness didn't just happen to him. While it is definitely not the most realistic portrayal of a man and his wife coping with a newfound disability, I was moved to tears. She's carrying on about having to worry if he could find the toothpaste and about how she didn't think it would be like this. All I could think of was, me neither. 

I think being a wife is hard. And while I'm sure every husband has his challenges, whatever they may be, I'm not sure people "get" all the things that come with being the wife of a blind man.

*Hell, I'll admit just today I made the comment that in my next life I wanted a sighted husband.