Kate... uncensored.

Frustrated

Saw Nancy (my therapist) today. Divulged details about what's going on. Really told her about the Other. It was weird to talk about it out loud. She knew how I felt without me saying a word.

My husband booked me a ticket to New Orleans without consulting me. I know he wants me to go to help, and wants to see me, but this is the last weekend I have alone, and I wanted to spend it with the Other.

I haven't faced the reality of leaving yet. Of saying goodbye to someone I have grown so close to. Its frustrating to know that I love and care for each one and any decision I make will hurt me and them. So, do I choose to take the pain for my husband? I feel I owe him, meanwhile, I'm in pain. Will I cause any other pain by leaving? I don't know.

I have been delaying the inevitable; I believe by leaving I'm still continuing to do so. The only difference is, before I wasn't thinking about going, and now I have to but I wish I could stay.

Sunday night

I once again spent Sunday night with him. I can't explain it, but I was plagued the whole time by the fact that it may be the last night I spend there, the last time I get to wake up with him.  I didn't even climax, though I think I stopped myself from enjoying it. He knew something was up, but I avoided the topic, even after making speeches in my head the entire drive over. How could I tell him that I will (probably) end up moving. That even though I want to, I don't think I can stay.

I wanted to break down and tell him how I feel, but I cannot. Its hard, I'm so used to keeping up a good front; I don't let down my guard. I don't let people inside the walls. He's there, he's opened me up and let me feel things again. I want to tell him that I love him, but that isn't me. I never fall first. I have fallen in love once with a man I couldn't have and I was miserable for the longest time. I know he's still in love with another woman. And he tried making a date with another. We're friends, who fuck; I know that, I know I'm the one who has crossed the line into wanting more. Part of me knows I should walk away to avoid inflicting myself with any more pain. The rest of me can't possibly do so.

Should I stay or should I go?

Okay, so it isn't an age old question like "to be or not to be?"; but for me it's causing just as many problems. I've been living in denial, pretending I don't have to make a decision, just going along with what everyone wants. But that is making me crazy. I want to stay. I like being alone. Well, sometimes. Friends and family all think I should go, and I can't expect anyone else to want me to stay....

Unsettled

I feel as if everything about my life is caught in a whirlwind, and I am spinning up in the air amidst the chaos