Untitled (because I can't think of something better)

I find myself overwhelmed at times. I both love and hate to shop at Wegmans. I prowl as I shop, evaluating people on their "fuckability". I find myself unable to use an attractive male cashier because of the desire to say something vulgar and most likely inappropriate...

I have been looking online for playmates, and have yet to step over the line. One man professed his love for me, causing everything to become awkward. It took away from what I wanted.

Then, I find a "perfect" match, "A". Someone who is in tune with what I want, my desires, my fantasies, only to have him become guilt stricken before we even fuck. And while I appreciate that and struggle with my own feelings of guilt and doubt, I regret that we didn't get to have more fun before he decided to stop. Up until now, there's only been one man I really wanted that I couldn't have. This was years ago, and the desire was left unfulfilled for a number of factors. My age, his marital status, etc. Not that I've slept with every man who crossed my fantasies, far from it. But "A" seemed to fit perfectly into what I want and need. While I thoroughly enjoyed giving him head, it would have been nice to get a little satisfaction from the adventure.

Now I'm left wondering, do I look elsewhere? Do I take this as a sign and try to be a perfect, faithful, dutiful wife? Can I continue to deny myself and not make things more miserable? I do want to be good. I don't want to cheat on my husband. The dichotomy and irony of the situation is not lost on me. I both want and need to do both - behave and stray.