Kate... uncensored.

no title needed

I've been reading the rest of the posts I had saved on my old site. Moved some here.

I'm weird about picking and choosing. I guess some things I have to edit, others don't make sense without context, or I don't feel the need to revisit. Not sure anyone would want to cover this history, but I suppose I want everything I do want to keep in one place.
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On another note, the Other had a date tonight.

I care, and I fucking hate that I care.

I hope he had a nice time.

Alright, fine, I don't.

I hope it reminded him of how great I am.
I hope he missed me more than I already know he does.

Ugh, I'm feeling so stupid.

Random remarks

Just about a week until my family arrives. I was really looking forward to their visit, but now I'm lackadaisical. (And yeah, I spelled it on the first shot)

Made pancakes today. Decided that, while I consider myself a pretty damn good cook, I should recognize my limitations. I suck at making pancakes. Also decided, I need to break down and get some new pots & pans.

Worked most of the bad mood out of my system. Back to normal today, or, better stated, what's become normal for us.

Finally got over to the library, got a bunch of stuff. I amused myself by sticking a Lori Foster book in the middle of my stack. Hiding it like a thirteen year old boy would hide Playboy. I met her on an airplane and since then, have read most of her books. I'm not ashamed of people finding my porn, but a romance novel, God forbid! And, I will add for the record, that this secret guilty pleasure has not morphed into a habit, I've only touched her books...

Feeling the need to shop. I have a few gift cards burning a hole in my wallet. When I owned my business, my girls would laugh, because once in a blue moon I would take off an afternoon to shop for shoes and lingerie. Both are fun, don't take too much thinking, make me feel sexy, therefore less-stressed.

I think I need to find something to do for me this weekend. The weekends are tough because I feel we don't enjoy them and that often, they go to waste. So, if I have something I want to do, and he doesn't, tough. We did things by ourselves often at home, I guess I just don't like leaving him home here. I wish he'd find friends here even more than I wish I had them. He's always had a ton of friends around, he makes friends easy, friends that last. Hell, he's known some of his friends longer than I've been alive.

Off to run out the Lab...

Bitching, cursing and porn... what good girls shouldn't do

I'm not sure if it's cyclical, or hormonal. Maybe it's just something I can only fight off for a certain period of time.

I am being a bitch. Not just the snarky sarcastic version of myself everyone has come to love and adore. The sex-crazed, over-emotional, insult-muttering uber-bitch.

Why? Because I'm holding it all in. The anger. The frustration, resentment, guilt, fear, disappointment. They all build.

Add to that the fact that I feel wasted. Not in the fun way, in the "I'm young, (I'd like to think) desirable, and sexual and I can't accept this" way

The resignation on his part galls me. At 41, he feels okay with being asexual.  Admittedly, his sexuality was never a huge part of his appeal personality. 

I would like to scream.  Or cry.

Mostly cry.

It's gotten to the point where I don't view him sexually. I'm not attracted to him sexually. It's hard for me to admit it, but it's a fact.

And I find myself resorting to bad behaviors. Porn is a deprived married woman's best friend. Okay... toys might be a deprived married woman's best friend, but do I have to only choose one? I think not. They often work best in conjunction.

I'm trying not to stray into dangerous territory, I'm being good about masturbatory frequency. I did not pounce on the cute guy who smiled at me in the freezer section. Or offer parking lot head to the man who carried my box outside the post office. Though the thoughts are crossing my mind.

(Side note - Southern gentlemen are one of things I've come to love about Nashville)

So, I curse, bitch and mutter. Fantasize and frustrate myself to no end. Wander the internet for porn that meets my standards, and stock up on batteries.

The wheels on the bus

The wheels on the bus go round and round, but the wheels on the AccessRide don't come here.

Don't know if the Metropolitan Transit Authority here in Nashville has any persons with disabilities on their board, but it's the first thing I wondered when I read this article.

Most people have a few transportation options when they travel to work. Sure, a lot depends on the distance. But walking, bicycling and driving are all out for my husband. Arranging to ride with someone is difficult when you know almost no one in town. Funny enough, many people don't think guide dog when they think carpooling.

Changing AccessRide should not be a way to reduce costs.

Gas is more expensive, and people are riding the bus. Is this the time to be cutting routes? In theory, with the rate hike and an increase in ridership, couldn't they somehow make up the difference?

And really, is it ever a good idea to limit access for those who cannot travel from their location or to their destination from a bus stop?

My husband now has to rely on a ride, he cannot get to work independently. For some people, this change means they aren't able to get to work, period.

The AccessRide service is not free, it is fee based. I realize they may need to increase costs, and that would prohibit some from taking the van service, but give riders the choice of paying more for their door-to-door ride before you discontinue it. For some people, it's their only option.

How much can I care?

I think a lot of us get caught up in our personal stories. We try, but our lives are so frenetic and we fail to see too far beyond ourselves. If we're lucky, we can keep up with the family, friends and other acquaintances we're keeping tabs on.

I consider myself informed. I watch and read news, from various sources. I talk to people and more importantly, listen to them.

I consider myself empathetic. But, as much as I try, I feel I can't muster enough emotion for all the world's disasters. I have always been a crier. I hear stories and I feel. I feel I can't feel anymore tragedy right now. Not unless, God forbid, it pertains to me personally.

I know hope this doesn't make me a bad person, I just think I need a break from the sadness and despair.

This is my first entry into Watercooler Wednesday.

Argh Tennessee

Okay - there's a freeze on state travel. I can understand that. It's been in effect since last week Wednesday apparently.

However, canceling travel that's already been paid for seems to defeat the purpose.

My husband's organization is not state funded, and now they've lost the funds they budgeted and spent to register two people for the conference and to buy three airline tickets.

So, losing those couple hundred dollars makes financial sense?

Poor for two days

Back in Buffalo, there's a lot of hype about this little experiment.

Two days - and they fail. Two days where there's no utility worker turning you off. Two days with no real danger of losing your home.

Did these people see foreclosure papers? Face mounting medical bills because they lacked health insurance? I know they weren't forced to wait in line at the local food pantry to fill in what the budget wouldn't allow. That they didn't have to skip holidays because they got too expensive. They didn't cringe when they opened the mailbox.

I realize I didn't have it too bad. We were two people living on about a grand a month. To some people, that's a lot more than they have. But when we were hit with my husband's job loss, then my cancer diagnosis, it was just too much. We couldn't feasibly move, and we had a rent of almost $700 a month. Medications were astronomical, and while we eventually found some help, through Gilda's club & my docs, we still had a ton of medical bills. We made too much money per month to get help with our utilities or to qualify for any kind of assistance. Our families were not in a financial position to help us and we were running out of options.

We sold everything we could, we turned off our cable, phone, internet. All luxuries were gone. We didn't buy much in groceries, didn't go out. We drove one clunker into the ground and replaced it with the junk we have now.  The only new thing I remember buying were a couple scarves & hats, because I was too vain to be bald, I have an ugly head. (Thank goodness the American Cancer Society provides wigs for free) 

It was rough, but we survived. So many others don't. Our marriage, well, suffice to say it did suffer from the strain. We got as close as I ever want to get to poverty.   

A brothers choices

I've given so much thought lately to the choices we make versus those that seem made for us. The majority of the things we do, I believe we do of our own volition. We may not want to do them. We do them anyway.

I've been thinking of my kid brother as well. He's at a weird stage. He will turn 23 this Saturday. He works as a bartender, at a bar that used to be real popular back home, and kind of fizzled out after the owner changed the name and menu. That change has put him in the financial position of having to wonder what else is out there.

He's been dating his girlfriend for almost 5 years - with some small breaks here and there. One of these breaks was recently, after they drove down here to move me to Nashville. Now they are back together again. I'm not sure who initiated the reconciliation, but I wonder if it's merely a case of anything is better than being alone.

He and the girlfriend had a bad car accident a few years back, and he never really recovered from that. A bad head injury altered his personality, and a hip replacement as a 19th birthday gift left him different in a way I can't quite explain. The girlfriend's father died later that year. I think, in their case, that those tragedies bonded them together.

He didn't do well in college, he only has a few semesters under his belt. After his accident, he never quite got back into school. He has worked for his current job for a couple years, never did much before that. He lives at home, has no car and is struggling. He seems lost, floundering. 

He doesn't think he can get a better job. Knows how hard it is to find a job in that area, has no experience at anything else, is used to working bar hours, etc. He's full of excuses, when I wonder if he's merely afraid of making a choice.

I know he is scared. He wants a different life, but he isn't sure how to get there. He wants more, better, but doesn't seem to want it enough to do something. It breaks my heart to hear him so despondent.

Etsy

When you can't sleep and the cable box fizzles... travel randomly through one site to another.

Wandered around etsy tonight. This could get me in serious trouble. I was good though, haven't bought anything. Have a seller I should check out? Know of a good shop?

Maybe I'll add this to the list of places to look for unique pieces for the home...

Just another Sunday

Officially, it's mother's day.

Most of what I wrote here still rings true.

It's a little different. Maybe here, with no mother's to take to brunch, I can just pretend it's any other day.

Not likely.