Kate... uncensored

Does he know how he makes me feel?
How he’s unfolded me?

Years ago, in school, secretive notes written on paper ripped from a spiral bound book. Turned and tucked into the smallest square imaginable.

I was that tight, that closed. When we found one another and began our friendship, I let him pull on that first closure. Starting to undo what had been hidden from so many for some time. Letting him into the details, the smudged ink, doodles and wrinkles. He’s undone that paper, flattened it and read it until he’s memorized every part.

new home

Because Typepad charges and because I want the option of password protecting posts, I'm moving here:

http://kateanon.wordpress.com/

Please be patient as I clean up / flush out the new home.

So, please update readers, bookmarks and blogrolls accordingly, if you would.

Thank you.

the last post

Those who subscribe in a reader will have it, but I deleted it after posting. If you're curious, I'm happy to direct you to it. Otherwise, disregard this post too.

Words

So many words I could put here.  So much I want to say, or have to say, but it remains unpublished.

My words are stuck inside the knots inside me, and while I need to let them out, I haven't figured out how to do so.

Thoughts on an anniversary

I look back on what my wedding day was and I wonder what it would have been like for another bride. 

I don't remember some great sense of happiness.  I don't think I felt elated.  But then again, I didn't have the great stress some brides had either.

Is it just a matter of circumstance that I can remember more of the weird and awkward, the bad? But, for my own sake, I want to remember some good that day too.  Even if the marriage didn't go well, that day did.  And it may be the only wedding I'll ever have, so I'd like to hang on to some things.

I remember dancing with my dad, and the photos in the beautiful theater, but I remember how painful it was to not have that look when I walked down the aisle.

I didn't have some wild wedding night - he fell asleep.  We took nothing even resembling a honeymoon. 

I remember dancing but my feet never hurt.  My shoes came from a shop in NY, ordered after I saw them in some bridal magazine and cost a small fortune considering they were seen by so few and worn only once.  The shipping charges alone were ridiculous.

I remember how fucking cold it was, like seriously fucking cold. How it snowed every day that week.  How my mother cursed me for planning a winter wedding in Buffalo.

And how it took me about an hour to undo my hair.  I wanted to wash it, since he was already asleep, but given that we reached our room at 4:AM, that wasn't going to happen.

My brother in law decorated the room. My sister got the romantic here, for her now-husband strewed petals on the bed, laid out a nightgown from my mother, decorated the place in all Valentines fancy, left us presents in the phone book, the bible, all like puzzled trivia clues to find them.

Father Peter arrived all suntanned from vacation, and winced (then apologized with a chuckle) for saying that we'd "see" our children.  Who'd guess the laugh now is that we couldn't / didn't have any, not that the groom wouldn't be able to look at them

I remembered the mother in law being so pissy because my husband's brother didn't show.  Family drama shouldn't have infiltrated the day, but that's how she is. It is why her behavior now doesn't surprise me.

My brother stripped - just as the photographer and videographer were wrapping up. I think there's one photo of this, and I wish someone had caught more, it was one of those hysterical moments my family has in it's memory bank from that night.

I remember getting cookies that morning with my father at VinChet's - decadent little numbers that rang up at several dollars per pound. 

Other memories -
Driving with my veil on by myself because everyone else got their hair done elsewhere; singing "Going to the Chapel" at the top of my lungs and getting honked at by those who noticed.
My sister & the other two bridesmaids eating cheetos, leaving me to panic that their dresses would have a telltale orange powder.
My brother's heartfelt wish during a dance.
Having (gasp!) a chocolate cake.
My sister forgetting her right from her left during a dance. Even better, the DJ pointing it out.
Being carried off the back steps to not ruin the aforementioned shoes in the snow.
The mess of a cape that became a capelet, much to my chagrin.
My mom looking like the life of the party, reliving her dancing days.

You can't have it both ways

I didn't want him to think I was expecting something.

I didn't really want to celebrate Valentine's day on the day, but knew this wasn't an issue as he wouldn't be here anyhow.

I didn't want anything because I felt guilty about wanting something.

Make sense?

I have no right to be disappointed, but I didn't mean to make it seem like I would be upset.  No matter what it sounded like, I'd still have been tickled by any of the things he assumed were off limits

I feel bad because I slipped a card in his bag, and if we weren't doing anything, I would have not done that.

I'm such a girl.  I couldn't make up my mind, and I can't have it both ways.

Direct approach

I do not like to ask for help.

Or permission for that matter.

But I see it is time to come out and ask J the question that lingers.

I have to ask him to have sex with me.  No, subtlety will not work here. No use insinuating that I want him to.  Nor will I be teasing in the hopes he picks up on it.

We're getting to the "take off your clothes and throw your panties in his face" stage of the game.

I need to ask him how he wants me to initiate.  How I can know whether or not he's interested.  How I can show him I am.

Road trip

Looks like I'm going to head to Tennessee this coming weekend after all.

My friend is coming here to pick me up and we're driving down.

I'm conflicted about this. 

I know I should go.  I know D, the friend, is looking forward to it.  I know the ex is expecting it. 

I know being in a car all day Saturday is a better way to spend the day, than say, looking through wedding photos while downing a bottle or two of wine.

Still, that sounds more appealing than facing the ex.

My pussy is a pain

Disclaimer: this is not a post for the squeamish. The boys might want to avoid it too.  Sure, some would say, Kate, why? Have you no shame?  Well, as a matter of fact...

I vent because I am getting fed up.

First, for more than a week now, it's been stop and start.  I can deal with having periods again after time off, but could it get here and get over with, please?  Oh, I forgot what a pain in the ass this all is.  What a way to remind me.

Second, I've only gotten a deforestation once here in the new town.  At the time I didn't think they did the best job, but it wasn't the worst experience I've had.  Now, at the dandelion fuzz stage, I'm re-thinking that opinion.  I miss the staff, atmosphere and actual process at Wax Nashville.

Lastly, I am annoyed with the drenching.  Sure, dear body, I have not had as much activity as we would prefer, and the time spent entertaining myself to orgasm is less than it's been in the past, but the wet dreams?  Really? I am not a 13 year old boy.  While it's nice to have sex dreams so vivid that I wake up wondering if they were real, I could deal without puddles.

Answering questions

Thanks to Thursday's Child for these questions.

1. Where would you like to see yourself in a year - sexually, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially?

A year is both interminably long and so brief. So In order to not make this post interminably long, I'll say

sexually - I'd like to be satisfied with my sex life.  Unfortunately, it's been a very long time since I was.  Though, now,  the potential is there.  This will take continued communication on my part.

emotionally -  Stability would be nice.  I can try to reduce stress and learn to better handle the repercussions of it.  I'd like to feel peaceful, even only for a few minutes at a time.

mentally - I think stress wore me down in a lot of places, years of daily strain and chaos taxed my brain. I'm working on boning up, reading more, observing more. Using my mind more efficiently.

physically -  I hope physically I'm "well".  Still cancer free, stronger, slighter, treating my body well.

financially - I'd like to be more comfortable, wouldn't we all? If I can pay the necessaries and still have a little wiggle room for emergencies and the once in a blue moon luxuries, I'd be happy.

2. What are the last five books you read?

American Wife - Curtis Sittenfeld (been waiting to read this for a while, loved her first 2 books)

The Rest of Her Life - Jennifer Moriarty

A book about Asperger Syndrome - hey, J's school books are good when you've exhausted your fiction quota for the night.

Condition - Jennifer Haigh

Bonk - Mary Roach ( a very funny book on science & sex with hysterical little asides)

3. If tomorrow were your last day on earth, who are the people you would seek out and what would you say to them?

I think I wouldn't be able to seek out / reach everyone I'd like to speak to my last day on earth. I'd probably be writing notes while I sought out phone numbers and arranged possible travel.

I'd like to thank my parents for everything and make sure they knew I was grateful and that I loved them.  I'd tell both my brother and sister that I loved them and that I was sorry for any shit I gave them.  I'd make a phone call to some of the friends / family who were influential in my life - especially my mom's best friend, my aunt V, John, Melissa,  Jolene & Dan.  I'd thank them all for their friendship and support.  

I'd express my gratitude to D for being a sounding board over the last year, for listening to all my craziness, and for being the kind of friend who accepts me as I am, no questions asked. 

I'd get in touch with the ex and let him know that I wish him all the best and that though it isn't how he wished it was, I do care for him.

I'd spend the rest of my time with J, asking him to do something with me to take my mind off the last hours.

4. You're going to live on a desert island for a year, and you can bring five things - what do you bring?

Only five things is tough.  I'm fudging here, doing five things, but multiples of them.  A year's worth of sunscreen, paper & pens, a way to listen to music and all the books I could smuggle in.

5. What would you do if you were ever outed as a sex blogger?

Being outed in general by those who would be hurt by the posts here occasionally worries me.   I write about sex only occasionally, but I can imagine what they could read here would still shock many I know.

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